Friday, January 6, 2012

What Blissful Pregnancy?

I commend all the mommies that have wonderful pregnancies and can do everything that they normally can do like work, exercise, have the house clean, and take care of the kids.

I am not one of those women. I'm one of those women that is not comfy with pregnancy and don't like it so much at all besides the eating part....the part where I can eat whatever I want to because "baby says so." Not much discipline there, oh well.

These are a list of things that will justify the crazy pregnancy bumper sticker that should go on my car...hell, maybe my forehead. Most of these things people don't see but ask my husband...he'll be glad to let you in on the "crazy".

1. I'm pretty damn dramatic when it comes to the uncomfortableness of being pregnant. I whine when I'm nauseous and try my damndest to make sure every sentence out of my mouth is not something like "OMG, my belly aches." or "What the hell, I've only been cleaning for an hour. Why do my feet hurt?" "Will someone carry me please? Do I really have to walk to the car?"

2. What is up with not seeing "your girl" after month four. That's so jacked up. The idea of grooming and being sexy in any manner is far near impossible. It's like a daily reminder that if you have sex you don't see "your girl" for five months. SERIOUSLY. Oh and there's the not seeing your feet thing. I think we're intended to literally roll at month need for feet. You can't wear shoes, especially in the heat. Mine grow and swell so flip flops are really the only option.

3.  HOROMONES, GOD, LEAVE ME ALONE! As a female with crazy genes already, I do not need my body mixing it's own hormone cocktail. It's dangerous, ridiculously dangerous. I can put money on the fact I will cry because I'm too tired in one minute, laugh manically at someone getting hurt in minute number two, and lash out at my cat because he touched me in minute three. What the hell is that??? I know if there are any other women feeling like I do I'm sure you hate it just as much. I double dog dare a man to call me crazy on a day like this. It's so irritating what the hormones turn you into when you're pregnant. My husband likes to mess with me and see how many emotions he can get out of me in five minutes. I just beat him across the head and call him an asshole when he does that. Oh, did I say that out loud. That's what happens in my head...well except the asshole part.

4. Exercise....BAHAHAHAHA! For me this is not an option during pregnancy. I get winded going up the steps. Apparently my future son is sucking up all of my energy and doing daily chores is a struggle. I don't know how some women do it. As much as I don't like it, I gain about 25 to 30 pounds and puff out like the Michelin man when I'm pregnant. Yep, that's me.  It's not cute at all.

5.  You want me to dress business casual while I'm making a child? That's got to be a man's rule or a woman who has such traditional image issues she probably wears her makeup to bed. You're lucky if you get me out of pjs and in the shower after month four. I don't even like to stand long enough to put makeup on and do my hair. How am I supposed to get the belly over the counter to make sure I don't draw my eye makeup like some catty looking hooker? Or if I sit down, you expect me to get back up? Getting up is a chore.

So there's some of the truth....I keep most of it bottled inside for my children's sake...yeah, my husband can see the monster that's there because he contributed to making the babies. Some of it leaks out every now and then and my sweet children just ask me if I'm ok and if it's Mikey that's hurting me or making me act crazy. Yes, they say act

Ok, off to attempt to clean the house in one day and then a concert tonight. I hope I can tolerate the loud music and I don't want to tell them to shut up because I'm irritable. I'm super excited so these hormones better lay low tonight.


  1. You're so funny Amanda. I'd trade all of your symptoms for my horrific hyperemesis gravidarum during my 3 pregnancies. It's like a visit in hell with no relief until month 7. A near death experience! I'm so glad I have only 7 weeks left. Count your blessings you didn't walk in these 24/7 nauseous shoes. God loves you! : )

  2. Kimmy, I wish I could say those were all of my symptoms but I too go through difficult pregnancies with contractions and other issues that lead to bed rest at month 5 for all of my pregnancies. This piece was a general topic not specifically about me. If so, it would be a lot more of a serious tone. Not good times! I hope you find some relief and support with your symptoms.