Wednesday, February 9, 2011


One of my great girlfriends who always has the right words for every situation it seems, sent me a picture of a bunch of scrabble pieces and the word "CHOICE" in it. I looked at it and at first was annoyed by it. I was annoyed because what I'm dealing with right now is a choice that I made. I made the choice to go through and battle "the ugly". I didn't expect the wave of emotions that would flow in and out of m life during this process. I wanted someone to make those emotions easier to bear, I wanted someone to take care of me like I was sick; hell I even contemplated taking meds to lift my spirit. Thank goodness for friends and those that love me to talk me out of that one. I know her intent of sending this to me was to show me not to wallow in the dark but to climb through the dirt of the hole that I had created and bask with her in the sunshine.

So, I'm doing that. Right now, it's WAY too easy to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head, eat shit food, be angry at the world, not walk outside, and be ugly to everyone I see. That's not who I am though. So with some help, I am making the choice to drudge through this mess.

I made the choice to get up today and run 4 miles.

I made the choice to be sweet to my little girl and my little man instead of being critical.

I made the choice to find patience with this process and to treat it as an adult should; process emotions the way you should process them and LET THEM GO.

I made the choice to buy a total stranger a cup of coffee because someone did this for me a while back.

I made the choice to be present and interact with my husband instead of sulking like a teenager when I awoke this morning.

I am making the choice to not let his consume me but to allow it to be a part of me.

I am making the choice to find some joy in the day and to laugh EVERY DAY until I'm back to normal.

"You have the power to move forward no matter what setback or obstacles block your path. You have the power to live true to your highest vision of how your life can be. You have the power to follow and reach your dreams. You have all this power because you have the CHOICE. In each moment you can choose, independent of all other factors. What you think, what to say, and WHO YOU WANT TO BE!!!!" - from Positively Positive fan Dale Womack of Houston, Texas

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Ugly

You know, I told myself when I started this blog that I was going to use it to help others and to share my thoughts about life as a woman, however, I have been avoiding it like the plague lately out of fear...fear of being judged for what is my thoughts lately. I'm taking a leap here because I think it will help others but also think it will help me too.

Not everyone knows that I am on a journey to become a therapist and I've kept it that way for a while for fear of being judged. I am a year away from being a licensed therapist with concentrations in substance abuse and trauma, abuse, and deprivation. My past is definitely a colorful one and one of the main reasons I am taking this journey to help others is because I can share some of their experiences. I can relate to people who have substance abuse issues, who have experienced trauma, and who have struggled to get out of some pretty deep holes. I have some big goals when it comes to helping others. I'm lucky to say that I will be working with veterans starting in May. I get to lead some of the men who have fought for us through group therapy and individual therapy for their substance abuse issues. I also want to eventually help women and children who have been abused and if I had my way I would work with the incarcerated, the lowest of the low.

In order to be a successful therapist, a person should be comfortable in their own skin so that when a person sits down and shares their most intimate secrets with them, they can not judge them and also should look at them with empathy, even if they tell you that they beat the shit out of their kids every day. I mean you could judge them but never to their face. You wouldn't make any money as a therapist. The model therapist would not judge and try to find a solution that works for the client.

I decided if I was going to go to school to become a therapist, I had better get some therapy of my own to battle my own demons. The reason being because understanding the therapy process will make you a better therapist. You can actually see what works for yourself and share that with people if need be. I feel like going off on a tangent here about how counseling is so taboo, but I'm going to save my audience from the ranting and the raving about therapy and just say that it is very nice to see our society turning towards individualism and the problems that come with searching for that.  A few weeks into it I was absolutely amazed at what I learned about myself and my relationship with my husband. I've changed so many habits that were almost ritualistic that it's hard to believe I ever did them. Now, I'm kicking my self because I've come to the hard stuff, the stuff people push away and never speak about.

While going through all of this, I wonder how many people I share this with, how many people have things that they never talk about again after it happens. I think about how many people I come across every day, how many women I look in the eye and ask "Hey, how are you?" and we all respond with  "Good. How are you?" I now look at people wondering what they are really struggling with that day, how their lives have been before the moment I see them, and where they really want to be. It also makes me think about how we humans do not trust and are so scared to take a risk. It's allowed me to look at the dynamic of how people become friends with each other. For myself, it's taking a risk by sharing something intimate with someone I think I like and I think I get a long with, hoping to create a foundation for a solid friendship.For others its about sharing something they have in common, sometimes as shallow as what status they are in society to having children to seeing how many people they actually know.

During this journey, I have also learned something very important. I do not have to be perfect. Because of my experiences I've always strived to be perfect and to be what society and some other unnamed people deem successful. I've tripped along the stones in life's path a few times; hell, I've fallen flat on my face more than once. I'm a stubborn one though and will pick myself up, brush myself off and keep on walking because I do have the hunger for life. It took me about 25 years of my life to make a drastic change and to live for myself. That is a different story for another day, how I came to that point.

Today, this article is about admitting to not being good...breaking that barrier of "I'm good, how are you?" People don't share that they are not doing well out of fear of being judged and out of everyone finding out their problems. What I think is amazing is that we all struggle; all of us have our own demons, yet we hide them and put on that everyday mask to hide from those issues out of fear. Facing your demons is not easy work, it's hard and it sucks. I'm not asking people to just share their feelings with everyone. I think it's important to have healthy boundaries for yourself and walking around sharing your issues with everyone is not a good practice. It creates vulnerability and vulnerable people get hurt very quickly. All I'm sharing is the realization of it being ok to be intimate with someone and to share with them that you're not doing ok. Being intimate doesn't mean to have sex with someone but to share something personal about yourself to someone you trust.

If you see me tomorrow or in a week or two, I'll tell you, "I've had better days." Because lately, I have not been fine. Yep, I said it, I am not good right now. Nope, I'm not "fine", I'm not "ok", and I'm definitely not "alright". I'm struggling with some very hard, intimate things about myself right now that has nothing to do with my husband or my children, just me.  I promise you I won't give you this long, drawn out story about what I'm going through so you're not burdened with it. To heal and to meet my goals of helping people, it's a neccesity to face the ugly.

So if you're struggling, if you're hurting, if you're having a bad day, own it, tell someone you trust. Take a risk, ask for a hug, grab a hand, take a bath, do something for yourself because more than likely, you need it.