Ever have that place that you escape to, where reality is no where to be seen and you can live exactly the way that you choose? What does that look like for you?
I have a vivid imagination and am can easily be labeled too much of a dreamer. Sometimes it's an annoyance; it causes unhappiness with the "normal" societal life and the pursuance of things that require lots of money. If I can get the money thing figured out and couple it with moral responsibility I'd be set.
There are times that I float into the world of Downton Abbey...have you seen this show yet? This is a show that is set in the early 1900s and tells the stories of the lives of an aristocratic family and their servants during the King George V reign. To me it's riveting, thought provoking and an absolute escape for me. I would love to live in the 1900s. I've always had such a fascination with the time period and how each class lived in these times. I collect things from the time period just to have those things surround me and remind me of my fantasies.
My favorite character is Lady Mary although I resemble the rebel that Lady Sybil is. I sometimes day dream about the struggles the characters go through and what I would do but also place myself in their shoes. What would it feel like to wear a corset, to be in the frame of Lady Mary, to don the lace, the pearls, and the hair that she dons along with floating through her life as her character does in the TV show.
That is the escape fantasy....the one that I wish was my reality is one that I pull things from and can be seen as very radical.
I don't see myself as married with children nor a typical career. I see myself traveling the world, kind of like what Elizabeth Gilbert did in Eat, Pray, Love. I'm not on a personal quest to find myself the way she did. I'm secure with who I am, my purpose of being here on Earth and feel what I need to do. I see myself in different parts of the world, just being present in the moment of what I am doing, where I am at and can't give any words to describe the actions I would be doing because I haven't gotten there yet. The pictures in my head show me crouching down to the children and mothers of different countries, loving, teaching, helping, crying, being with people. I have this overwhelming sense and need to reach out, to touch, to love, to help others.
I don't know why I don't see myself doing this in the United States. It may be because of my own biases against the society that the United States is; I'm not sure....I haven't pondered that thought yet.
People who believe in God often respond to a calling. They have a little voice that tells them what they should do and let that voice determine their path in life. I also have that calling, an urgency to do something beyond the choices I've made and the life that I have created thus far. It didn't start with me until my awakening last year and the urgency didn't come until a few months ago. To me it's still a fantasy but not one that can not come true. This is something I need to do, so how do I incorporate my current life, my moral responsibilities into this world I see?
I'm thankful to have the man that was made for me by my side and to be very accepting and understanding of this concept. He didn't take lightly to the idea of not being married. I guess I should expound on that. I adore my husband and want him by my side to share my life with but I don't need him. I've always been a loner, a gypsy soul, one that does well without a partner. I didn't figure that out until I began to love myself that I realistically don't need the husband and the 2.5 kids that society teaches us to have. I don't want to burden my husband with my overwhelming need to do something that is considered radical and crazy. I see him sometimes confined also by moral responsibility that he has chosen, that WE have chosen together and wish him the same freedom I want because I see the HUMAN in him. He longs for freedom, he longs to be in a different place, doing a different thing that what he is doing but like me adores me and our children. We both struggle with how to incorporate our desires into the moral responsibility of raising children and caring for each other.
I feel like we are designed to love all types of people, male or female and the connections that happen between two people, despite the sex, are there. I feel that people use their moral compass to shut out others and the connections they feel for the sake of their marriage, the comfort of having that one person be there with them and to also be approved by others that believe the same thing. I think that concept goes against what we are designed to do or at least what I am designed to do.
I remember a time when I would get jealous of the women my husband would talk to or flirt with or even describe to others. Now, I shake my head at the idea of that jealousy. It was my own insecurities that brought on that jealousy because I felt I wasn't adequate enough or had that overwhelming fear of being alone. My husband has always been a support beam, always been a loving, caring soul with a hint of smart ass in there somewhere. I didn't give him the credit of being there through some of the times I've put him through with my own stupidity and until I saw him for who he is, not as a husband, a father, but as a person, I realized he has been the most loyal person to me that I've ever known.
As far as my children, what do I do, ditch them with dad while mom goes off on this journey? No. HELL NO! My moral responsibility to my children is what keeps me where I am at. I love being a mother and teaching my children about the world. If I had my way I would take them with me, let them experience the same thing I do, teach them through a homeschooling avenue, let them go to school in different countries, experience different cultures, and of course be there as their mother when the falls and the triumphs come along.
All of this would require a great deal of money to make it a reality, money I do not have. The support and the acceptance of society, my peers, my family and my friends is not something I need but for my husband and children's sake, it's important. If I didn't have the responsibility I have, I'd be gone in a heartbeat.
So what to do? Right now, I escape into my fantasy world because I can't really do anything about it. I do pull from the ideas of it and have some plans up my sleeves. The first logical step seems to share the idea...why? To share with others it's OK to have radical, wild dreams. It's also important to pull from those dreams and put a few of the ideas into your own reality. My first step into making this a reality was to change my profession....from IT guru to counselor, teacher, helper. The second step....to take care of that money issue. That idea is one that I have to keep up my sleeve for a little while because I don't like to jump the gun and share my plans. I've learned that regardless of my plans, life has plans for me and I have to wait to see where life takes me.