My last blog post was about New Year's Resolutions. I've actually shied away from my blog wondering how to answer myself and everyone around me about my March 4, 2011 date of losing 20 pounds. Well, it's May 7th and I still haven't lost 20 pounds. I've lost 5. Wow! Is it May already? I've also changed my resolutions and created new goals for myself. It got me to thinking about resolutions and how superficial they can be or a test of control to see what you're really capable of putting yourself through to accomplish your goals. I don't think that's healthy,by the way...that test of control.
My goals of losing weight and running a marathon, a full one at that, are important to me. However, life is not predictable and sometimes life just flat out gets in the way. I was extremely lucky to have my mom, who I have not been in contact with in 25 years, message me one day out of the blue in February. She wanted to get to know me and start a relationship. That in itself is a show stopper, a one in a lifetime moment, an Oprah show right in my own world. Being the kind of girl I am, anxiety plagues me and unhealthy habits come with that anxiety so the weight stayed on in February. When I had the honor of having my mom with me for a week (later turning into 10 days) running, eating salads, and drinking water was NOT at the top of the priority list. I had to show Mom how wonderful the Arizona cuisine is, and we're both in love with Coke like it's going out of style and two women on an anxiety train equals a party with chocolate at least every night!
This year I also have been preparing to start an internship which means the hubby becomes Mr. Mom (a fantastic one at that) half the day for four days a week, my children lose their mom, and healthy eating goes out the window. It takes A LOT of planning to eat healthy while on the go so much and to do it without eating out and not spending an arm and a leg. Working 20 hours a week, school, being a mom and being a wife doesn't leave much time for a "me" thing. I could be very selfish and train for a full marathon but I wouldn't see my kids much and my poor husband would seriously turn into a woman for all the hours he'd have to watch the kids and I, nor his mom, would really appreciate that.
Oh, and then there are the injuries of my dear sport of running. After I ran a half marathon in March I cut back on my running and cutting back means starting over again. So after a few weeks, I geared up and started again because I hadn't lost any weight. How discouraging. You train your ass off for this huge accomplishment, you would at least expect to lose some weight but not I. Diet is a huge part for me when it comes to weight loss and I figured that out the hard way. So training for a 5K, I thought I was dealing with shin splints. So I ran the first 5K. I did ok with time, not fast and not slow but I was ready for the next race in May. This was the race I was gonna shave off some minutes off of my pace. One morning, I ran to the gym, hopped on the treadmill and started doing some hill work. 45 minutes into it, POP! Blinding pain!!!! I couldn't even place my foot down on the treadmill. Not sure what the diagnosis is yet, will find out on Monday, but the ER doc believes I have torn a tendon. If that's the case no running for this girl for at least 4 weeks. Not cool. I got angry, sad, disappointed, all the emotions that runs through your head when something gets taken away from you. It took me back to my bad habits of not giving a shit on how I ate and pretty much sulking for a week.
Change does something to us. For a lot of us, it's uncomfortable and fearful. Fear can be paralyzing for some people. For me, change isn't difficult; I just don't like it. I used to fear it and fear used to grab a hold of me and put me in a very miserable place. With a little bit of head training though, fear is now just an emotion just like being bored is. You recognize it, talk to yourself about it, making sure to throw some love in there, and move on. I get uncomfortable and unsure of how to create balance in my life when a wrench is thrown into what my normal routine is; even if it is a happy change, like getting to know my mom. I've been a control freak for so long that letting go of what seems perfect is a challenge for me. I let go of my healthy eating habits and my exercise beause my bad habits are so much more fun when anxiety, fear and change come a long. I can only stand that unhealthy business for about a week or two and then I gotta get back to being healthy in my body, my mind and my spirit because healthy in all three of those aspects create pure joy for me.
So, I'm on the hunt for some upper body exercises to keep my core and upper body strong while this leg heals. My relationship with my mom is untouchable and something I crave on a daily basis and working is going really well. Treading the waters of life is what the journey is all about. The attitude and behavior I choose to exude while I'm around others and in my own head is nothing but a choice. I'm not upset about not making my goals of losing weight by March 4, 2011. I'm not upset that I will not be running a marathon this year. My life got in my way and taught me a few lessons. Goals are awesome but time is just a variable that should always be fluid; being hard on yourself only makes YOUR life miserable, and if you just sit back, enjoy the ride of life, your goals will happen, just in their own time.
The goal of 20 pounds is still there. Will it happen this year, I don't know, I sure hope so and am working at it. I will not be running a full marathon but I may run a half depending on how life is. Too much chaos and too much control is not a healthy thing for me. We'll see what happens. :)
