I LOVE to cook and make things and bake. I think it's some of that southern tradition that is ingrained in me along with the whole being a woman thing.
In my hunt for new healthy recipes to match my 2011 goals of eating more healthily ( don't know if that's a word but I like it) I found a few things that my kids actually love to eat that are really good for them.
Peanut Butter and Honey Toast aka PBH Muffin
Whole Wheat Toast or English Muffin
1 Tbsp Peanut butter (The purest you can get to it's natrual form is always good)
1 Tbsp Raw honey
I usually spread the peanut butter on the toast and top it with the honey and slice it in fours so little fingers can handle it. I usually do this for a quick breakfast or a snack and serve it to them with an apple or a banana.
Another one that they love is
Yogurt - healthy style
1/2 cup nonfat plain Greek yogurt
1 Tbsp of raw honey
1 or 2 Tbsp of granola
1 handful of berries (blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, etc.)
I found these two out while making my own snacks, breakfasts, lunches and dinners and they wanted to have a bite. I'm sure there are more to come!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
A precious memory for a mommy and her little girl
My role as a mother is one of my favorite roles. There are times I don't like being a mom, like when my kid smarts off of me and what he says makes complete sense and I'm left with no argument and no wise advise to toss to him. There are also those times for me when a child wants to sit on me, hug my leg, wants me to lay with them, or needs something RIGHT that VERY second, and all I want is to be alone in my dream home office writing away.
Then there are some times where your child grabs your heart and forever imprints an image and a story into it. I had one of those times when I had the opportunity to take my little girl to a Christmas party and then to a spontaneous trip to visit Santa.
The day was a dark, cloudy day. Both of my boys were sick together and I had been taking care of both of them all day long, making soup, saying sweet nothings to them, and entertaining Jessica because her play mate was down and out. It was the long awaited day for my mom's group's Christmas party that myself and a few other moms had spent weeks planning. I was already a little down because the boys were sick and I knew Zachery was going to miss out on some fun stuff just because he was sick. I spent an hour trying to figure out what to wear, or more so trying to squeeze into pants my ass would not go into and finally figured out something that would do. Jessica had been a crab pot all day long for whatever reason, so getting her dressed was just like getting me dressed, it TOOK forever. She wanted to wear these fluffy boots so I put her in a pair of jeans and a cute t-shirt. Well, three minutes after having the fluffy boots on she wanted them on and her princess dress on. This dress is a hand-me-down from her cousin and she has been infatuated with it for DAYS. She wanted to wear it every time she saw it. So, we put the "princess" dress on with her "princess" shoes and headed out to the party.
The party was a great time. I had the opportunity to enjoy some great one-on-one time with Jessica. I learned how advanced she is and how much curiosity she has to learn and to do new things. I also learned she is shy like me but if she finds someone or something she likes to do, it puts her at ease. Her knack is doing something with her hands, so we made our way to the craft stations after chatting it up with a few mamas. I got to watch her decorate a cookie and SAVOR every bite of that cookie covered in sprinkles and white frosting. Next, we headed to paint some ornaments that a few of us mamas made from scratch. Jessica picked an snowman ornament and decided she needed to have every color offered to her from red, to blue, to gold, to green, to white on her little snowman, TWICE. I watched her meticulously paint her snowman and make it her own. Finally, we went to the last craft station where there were outlines of snowmen to make out of cotton balls, buttons, pipe cleaners and glitter. She wanted to put every little detailed cotton ball, button, googly eye on herself, where she wanted it. It came out really well and she asked me to write her name at the top. Her requests and her attention to detail just amazed me.
At the end of the party, we had a book exchange and had asked the mamas to wrap each book so the child would think it was a gift. When it was time for the book exchange, Jessie went to the basket and picked out a book wrapped in Santa paper. I thought this was especially cute because all during the day she had been saying, "Mama, I gotta go see Santa." The party ended and Jessica and I walked out with all of her little crafts she made, an experience where she had to be her sole little self because her brother was not there, and her new gift.
When I in the car, I got the bright idea of taking Jessica to see Santa. Some people may think, "What? You didn't take both kids at the same time?" Not this go round. I did later, but for I wanted to share her first Santa experience with her so I could watch her. I wanted to see how she handled a stranger who holds the magic of Christmas in his hands. We went to the outlet malls in Anthem where Santa has a house and right beside the house is the tallest Christmas tree at least in the state and maybe in the country. Jessica immediately saw the Christmas tree as we pulled up to the mall and gasped in her little voice and said "Mama, look, a Christmas tree...the tallest one like Dora's tallest mountain." I said "Yeah, isn't it pretty. Right next to it is Santa's house, see?"
We got out of the car and while I was unbuckling her seat belt, she said "Mama, I want to take Santa's present." I said OK, thinking that Jessica was thinking that she wanted to take "Santa's present" because it was a present wrapped in Santa paper. We got in the line with only two people ahead of us and waited. She already looked so cute with her princess dress, her present and she was contently waiting to see this man who was gong to give her a present that she SO wanted.
The person ahead of us got finished with sitting on Santa's lap and taking pictures and it was finally Jessie's turn. Prior to her turn I talked to her and told her she had to walk up to him and say hi, then I would put her on his lap and she could tell him what she wanted for Christmas. After that we would take a picture so we could remember her first time seeing Santa. She nodded her little head while I talked to her and after I finished talking to her I said "OK, you ready?" She said "Mama, can I give him my present?" My heart just swelled up and I was so curious as to why she wanted to give her present to Santa. I told her "Jessica, that present was given to you, baby, it's yours to open when ever you want. You can even open it now if you want to." She said "No, mama, it's Santa's present." It popped into my head that maybe she saying this because of the paper. That has to be it because there is no way this girl who drives me up the wall is this sweet. So I tried again to convince myself she wasn't so sweet. I said "Baby, do you want to give it to Santa because it's wrapped in Santa paper? Because it has Santa on it?" She held strong and said "No mama, it's Santa's present."
Ok, determination wins! I told her it was her turn and she could go see Santa now. She walked up to the man dressed in red, with black boots and a fantastic looking beard and sweet, kind, blue eyes, just the way you've envisioned him over the years. She held the present out the whole way during her little walk to him and said, "Here, Santa." Of course, Santa looked at me questionably, and I shook my head and smiled, telling him, it was fine. He asked her "Do you want me to open this now?" She shook her little head yes, so he unwrapped the gift and the book was A Letter To Santa. He flipped through the book and told her thank you. He then scooped her up, put her on his lap and asked her, "So what do you want for Christmas?" I was SO curious what she was going to say because I had been explaining the Christmas concept for days to the kids, how it worked, who Santa was and what he did. We watched Santa movies, read Santa books, made Santa crafts, and talked about what each child wanted for Christmas. Jessica had been naming off a variety of things she wanted but there was one thing that was consistent and I wanted to hear if it was going to be the consistent thing she had been talking about. i wanted to see if she had grasped what Santa was and what he did. Sure enough, she whispered, "Jessie, the cowgirl."
Jessie loves Jessie the cowgirl from Toy Story because, well, she thinks she is her. Every time she saw Jessie, she would say, "Mama, that's Jessie, like me?!" She wanted the doll and she also told him she wanted a Jessie outfit so she could dress up like her.
When she told Santa she wanted "Jessie, the cowgirl" and "Jessie, the Halloween cowgirl" (the Halloween cowgirl is Jessie's way of saying a Jessie outfit) Santa said, "I think we can do that."
Of course, the girls that were taking pictures of Jessica hemmed and hawed about how cute she was and how sweet she was. She made such an impression on them, they gave us two free pictures. I was speechless throughout the whole experience because I was beaming and grinning ear to ear, because I was so proud of her and so very happy for her.
It was a joy to see her first experience with Santa and to watch her make the connection between her imagination and reality. Of course, I was stunned by her innocence and sweetness of giving Santa her gift and hope to goodness she hangs on to both her innoncence and sweetness when she gets older.
I love that little girl with all my heart and consider myself lucky to be her mother. Writing this makes me want to go upstairs and cuddle with her, then I remember how horrible of a sleeper she is. If I wake her, she will be up like I am now, unable to sleep.
Afterwards, we walked out, went to see the Christmas tree and looked at her pictures. She was so curious to see the picture and to remeber Santa. She also wanted a picture with the Christmas tree. So we took a picture, with me still beaming, lost in a trance of sweetness.
Then my phone rings. It's Jeff on the other end.
Jeff: "Baby, what are you doing?"
Me: "Taking Jessie to see Santa."
Jeff: "Oh. (Pause) Are you going to be home soon?"
I can just see this pitiful man with his lip poked out just a little.
Me: "Yeah, I'm coming home right now, why? Are you guys ok?"
Jeff: "Yeah. (Pause) We're hungry."
I visualized my husband in pj pants, a hoodie and my son sitting next to him with his thumb in his mouth in comfy pants and a hoodie too, playing video games the whole time I was gone, not paying attention to anything because they were so miserable.
Me: "Why didn't you guys eat?"
Jeff: "I don't know."
Me: "You guys are sitting in the dark too huh?"
Jeff: starts laughing "Yeah."
Me: laughing "You guys are pitiful! Sick, hungry, sitting in the dark, poor thing. What in the world would you do without me babe?"
Jeff: laughing "I don't know.I didn't even know it was dark."
Back to reality! Duty calls! Jessie and I went home that night both of us changed. She saw Santa for the first time and I was more in love with my daughter than I have ever been.
Then there are some times where your child grabs your heart and forever imprints an image and a story into it. I had one of those times when I had the opportunity to take my little girl to a Christmas party and then to a spontaneous trip to visit Santa.
The day was a dark, cloudy day. Both of my boys were sick together and I had been taking care of both of them all day long, making soup, saying sweet nothings to them, and entertaining Jessica because her play mate was down and out. It was the long awaited day for my mom's group's Christmas party that myself and a few other moms had spent weeks planning. I was already a little down because the boys were sick and I knew Zachery was going to miss out on some fun stuff just because he was sick. I spent an hour trying to figure out what to wear, or more so trying to squeeze into pants my ass would not go into and finally figured out something that would do. Jessica had been a crab pot all day long for whatever reason, so getting her dressed was just like getting me dressed, it TOOK forever. She wanted to wear these fluffy boots so I put her in a pair of jeans and a cute t-shirt. Well, three minutes after having the fluffy boots on she wanted them on and her princess dress on. This dress is a hand-me-down from her cousin and she has been infatuated with it for DAYS. She wanted to wear it every time she saw it. So, we put the "princess" dress on with her "princess" shoes and headed out to the party.
The party was a great time. I had the opportunity to enjoy some great one-on-one time with Jessica. I learned how advanced she is and how much curiosity she has to learn and to do new things. I also learned she is shy like me but if she finds someone or something she likes to do, it puts her at ease. Her knack is doing something with her hands, so we made our way to the craft stations after chatting it up with a few mamas. I got to watch her decorate a cookie and SAVOR every bite of that cookie covered in sprinkles and white frosting. Next, we headed to paint some ornaments that a few of us mamas made from scratch. Jessica picked an snowman ornament and decided she needed to have every color offered to her from red, to blue, to gold, to green, to white on her little snowman, TWICE. I watched her meticulously paint her snowman and make it her own. Finally, we went to the last craft station where there were outlines of snowmen to make out of cotton balls, buttons, pipe cleaners and glitter. She wanted to put every little detailed cotton ball, button, googly eye on herself, where she wanted it. It came out really well and she asked me to write her name at the top. Her requests and her attention to detail just amazed me.
At the end of the party, we had a book exchange and had asked the mamas to wrap each book so the child would think it was a gift. When it was time for the book exchange, Jessie went to the basket and picked out a book wrapped in Santa paper. I thought this was especially cute because all during the day she had been saying, "Mama, I gotta go see Santa." The party ended and Jessica and I walked out with all of her little crafts she made, an experience where she had to be her sole little self because her brother was not there, and her new gift.
When I in the car, I got the bright idea of taking Jessica to see Santa. Some people may think, "What? You didn't take both kids at the same time?" Not this go round. I did later, but for I wanted to share her first Santa experience with her so I could watch her. I wanted to see how she handled a stranger who holds the magic of Christmas in his hands. We went to the outlet malls in Anthem where Santa has a house and right beside the house is the tallest Christmas tree at least in the state and maybe in the country. Jessica immediately saw the Christmas tree as we pulled up to the mall and gasped in her little voice and said "Mama, look, a Christmas tree...the tallest one like Dora's tallest mountain." I said "Yeah, isn't it pretty. Right next to it is Santa's house, see?"
We got out of the car and while I was unbuckling her seat belt, she said "Mama, I want to take Santa's present." I said OK, thinking that Jessica was thinking that she wanted to take "Santa's present" because it was a present wrapped in Santa paper. We got in the line with only two people ahead of us and waited. She already looked so cute with her princess dress, her present and she was contently waiting to see this man who was gong to give her a present that she SO wanted.
The person ahead of us got finished with sitting on Santa's lap and taking pictures and it was finally Jessie's turn. Prior to her turn I talked to her and told her she had to walk up to him and say hi, then I would put her on his lap and she could tell him what she wanted for Christmas. After that we would take a picture so we could remember her first time seeing Santa. She nodded her little head while I talked to her and after I finished talking to her I said "OK, you ready?" She said "Mama, can I give him my present?" My heart just swelled up and I was so curious as to why she wanted to give her present to Santa. I told her "Jessica, that present was given to you, baby, it's yours to open when ever you want. You can even open it now if you want to." She said "No, mama, it's Santa's present." It popped into my head that maybe she saying this because of the paper. That has to be it because there is no way this girl who drives me up the wall is this sweet. So I tried again to convince myself she wasn't so sweet. I said "Baby, do you want to give it to Santa because it's wrapped in Santa paper? Because it has Santa on it?" She held strong and said "No mama, it's Santa's present."
Ok, determination wins! I told her it was her turn and she could go see Santa now. She walked up to the man dressed in red, with black boots and a fantastic looking beard and sweet, kind, blue eyes, just the way you've envisioned him over the years. She held the present out the whole way during her little walk to him and said, "Here, Santa." Of course, Santa looked at me questionably, and I shook my head and smiled, telling him, it was fine. He asked her "Do you want me to open this now?" She shook her little head yes, so he unwrapped the gift and the book was A Letter To Santa. He flipped through the book and told her thank you. He then scooped her up, put her on his lap and asked her, "So what do you want for Christmas?" I was SO curious what she was going to say because I had been explaining the Christmas concept for days to the kids, how it worked, who Santa was and what he did. We watched Santa movies, read Santa books, made Santa crafts, and talked about what each child wanted for Christmas. Jessica had been naming off a variety of things she wanted but there was one thing that was consistent and I wanted to hear if it was going to be the consistent thing she had been talking about. i wanted to see if she had grasped what Santa was and what he did. Sure enough, she whispered, "Jessie, the cowgirl."
Jessie loves Jessie the cowgirl from Toy Story because, well, she thinks she is her. Every time she saw Jessie, she would say, "Mama, that's Jessie, like me?!" She wanted the doll and she also told him she wanted a Jessie outfit so she could dress up like her.
When she told Santa she wanted "Jessie, the cowgirl" and "Jessie, the Halloween cowgirl" (the Halloween cowgirl is Jessie's way of saying a Jessie outfit) Santa said, "I think we can do that."
Of course, the girls that were taking pictures of Jessica hemmed and hawed about how cute she was and how sweet she was. She made such an impression on them, they gave us two free pictures. I was speechless throughout the whole experience because I was beaming and grinning ear to ear, because I was so proud of her and so very happy for her.
It was a joy to see her first experience with Santa and to watch her make the connection between her imagination and reality. Of course, I was stunned by her innocence and sweetness of giving Santa her gift and hope to goodness she hangs on to both her innoncence and sweetness when she gets older.
I love that little girl with all my heart and consider myself lucky to be her mother. Writing this makes me want to go upstairs and cuddle with her, then I remember how horrible of a sleeper she is. If I wake her, she will be up like I am now, unable to sleep.
Afterwards, we walked out, went to see the Christmas tree and looked at her pictures. She was so curious to see the picture and to remeber Santa. She also wanted a picture with the Christmas tree. So we took a picture, with me still beaming, lost in a trance of sweetness.
Then my phone rings. It's Jeff on the other end.
Jeff: "Baby, what are you doing?"
Me: "Taking Jessie to see Santa."
Jeff: "Oh. (Pause) Are you going to be home soon?"
I can just see this pitiful man with his lip poked out just a little.
Me: "Yeah, I'm coming home right now, why? Are you guys ok?"
Jeff: "Yeah. (Pause) We're hungry."
I visualized my husband in pj pants, a hoodie and my son sitting next to him with his thumb in his mouth in comfy pants and a hoodie too, playing video games the whole time I was gone, not paying attention to anything because they were so miserable.
Me: "Why didn't you guys eat?"
Jeff: "I don't know."
Me: "You guys are sitting in the dark too huh?"
Jeff: starts laughing "Yeah."
Me: laughing "You guys are pitiful! Sick, hungry, sitting in the dark, poor thing. What in the world would you do without me babe?"
Jeff: laughing "I don't know.I didn't even know it was dark."
Back to reality! Duty calls! Jessie and I went home that night both of us changed. She saw Santa for the first time and I was more in love with my daughter than I have ever been.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2011
I didn't really want to make any resolutions for 2011 because it's just so cliche but I feel sometimes doing cliche things can really improve your life, especially if you make them your own. Creating goals for me keep me active and healthy in my mind and in my heart. Here are a few things I plan on doing in 2011.
1. Run a full marathon! Some people call me crazy but I know what my body is capable; so much more than what we put it through. Last year I had the goal to run a half marathon and am still working on it due to my illness that struck me in August, but I'm not dwelling on not meeting that goal. My body needed that time and I look at it as a curve ball that I didn't expect...isn't that what life is about?
2. Do something to better my children's life and my husband's life EVERY DAY! My children and my husband are my top priority and I want them to feel loved by me, every day. If that means making them laugh, taking a risk, and not getting something done that I FEEL needs to be done, then so be it.
3. To be present in life and to better myself. I often find myself in my mind way too much and this distracts me from my own life. There are also some changes that I need to make to be a happier person that are simple and very do-able, including becoming an early riser again, meditating and finding out what spirituality is for me, and not isolating myself from people and the world because of my own insecurities. I also need to be healthier and not do things for convenience. It is important that my children have a positive role model in their life and I feel the way to do this is to live it by being healthy mentally, physically and emotionally.
4. Get that body back in shape girl! I fell off the bandwagon during the holidays with going to Disneyland and having a tendon flare up because of running too much. Yeah, running too much. So I rested for the past two weeks and still didn't eat so well, so my goal of losing 22 pounds is going to be delayed just a touch but it starts today!!
5. STOP PROCRASTINATING!!! I am the QUEEN of procrastinating and seriously need to change that habit. I read something the other day that was profound to me when it came to procrastination. I read it in The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He feels that when you live in a negative state of procrastination, greed, hatred and laziness, that people are actually dwelling on a period in the their past or dwelling on their future, hindering people to actually act on the action they need to act on. We often think about how painful facing that certain situation was or how painful it can be for us and do not want to face it so we procrastinate, are lazy and feel hate, greed, and anger. Rather than dwell on those emotions and allow those emotional states to hinder your actions, change your frame of mind and recognize what your doing and how you allow your mind to control your thoughts rather than facing those fears of doing something that's uncomfortable. That's what I plan on doing. It definitely will take some practice but I think it's definitely do-able!
6. To see the world. I love to travel and have not done much of that in a few years. I want to do more of it!
7. To use my voice more! I often hold my tongue in certain situations where I should voice my opinion, my thoughts, or ideas; sometimes out of fear and sometimes out of a self imposed respect I have put on a person. My goal in this life is to help people to live a better life by sharing experiences, thoughts and ideas. If I can't voice them, how can I help people? So, I commit to write to my audience more, talk to my friends and my family more, and to be more confident...period.
8. Work on my top priorities. I currently am not working on my top priorities. I find myself getting distracted so I can stay in my mind by cleaning the house, organizing something and doing something to keep my hands busy so I'm not focusing on what is important to me. I look at it as a lot of time wasted. I don't want to waste my time in my life. My house might go to shit and and it may be cluttered but if my kids are taught, my husband is happy, my friends are loved, and people are helped, I feel success. I get nothing out of my house being clean except for two minutes of satisfaction because let's face it, I have two toddlers, and twenty years down the road when they are living their lives, I can enjoy a clean house if that's what I need.
My intention of writing this is to make myself accountable and to share it with others in hopes to give whomever permission to live their life the way they want to, to create, to accomplish, and to dream so that we become better in 2011! CHEERS!
1. Run a full marathon! Some people call me crazy but I know what my body is capable; so much more than what we put it through. Last year I had the goal to run a half marathon and am still working on it due to my illness that struck me in August, but I'm not dwelling on not meeting that goal. My body needed that time and I look at it as a curve ball that I didn't expect...isn't that what life is about?
2. Do something to better my children's life and my husband's life EVERY DAY! My children and my husband are my top priority and I want them to feel loved by me, every day. If that means making them laugh, taking a risk, and not getting something done that I FEEL needs to be done, then so be it.
3. To be present in life and to better myself. I often find myself in my mind way too much and this distracts me from my own life. There are also some changes that I need to make to be a happier person that are simple and very do-able, including becoming an early riser again, meditating and finding out what spirituality is for me, and not isolating myself from people and the world because of my own insecurities. I also need to be healthier and not do things for convenience. It is important that my children have a positive role model in their life and I feel the way to do this is to live it by being healthy mentally, physically and emotionally.
4. Get that body back in shape girl! I fell off the bandwagon during the holidays with going to Disneyland and having a tendon flare up because of running too much. Yeah, running too much. So I rested for the past two weeks and still didn't eat so well, so my goal of losing 22 pounds is going to be delayed just a touch but it starts today!!
5. STOP PROCRASTINATING!!! I am the QUEEN of procrastinating and seriously need to change that habit. I read something the other day that was profound to me when it came to procrastination. I read it in The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He feels that when you live in a negative state of procrastination, greed, hatred and laziness, that people are actually dwelling on a period in the their past or dwelling on their future, hindering people to actually act on the action they need to act on. We often think about how painful facing that certain situation was or how painful it can be for us and do not want to face it so we procrastinate, are lazy and feel hate, greed, and anger. Rather than dwell on those emotions and allow those emotional states to hinder your actions, change your frame of mind and recognize what your doing and how you allow your mind to control your thoughts rather than facing those fears of doing something that's uncomfortable. That's what I plan on doing. It definitely will take some practice but I think it's definitely do-able!
6. To see the world. I love to travel and have not done much of that in a few years. I want to do more of it!
7. To use my voice more! I often hold my tongue in certain situations where I should voice my opinion, my thoughts, or ideas; sometimes out of fear and sometimes out of a self imposed respect I have put on a person. My goal in this life is to help people to live a better life by sharing experiences, thoughts and ideas. If I can't voice them, how can I help people? So, I commit to write to my audience more, talk to my friends and my family more, and to be more confident...period.
8. Work on my top priorities. I currently am not working on my top priorities. I find myself getting distracted so I can stay in my mind by cleaning the house, organizing something and doing something to keep my hands busy so I'm not focusing on what is important to me. I look at it as a lot of time wasted. I don't want to waste my time in my life. My house might go to shit and and it may be cluttered but if my kids are taught, my husband is happy, my friends are loved, and people are helped, I feel success. I get nothing out of my house being clean except for two minutes of satisfaction because let's face it, I have two toddlers, and twenty years down the road when they are living their lives, I can enjoy a clean house if that's what I need.
My intention of writing this is to make myself accountable and to share it with others in hopes to give whomever permission to live their life the way they want to, to create, to accomplish, and to dream so that we become better in 2011! CHEERS!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
I run because...
A lot of people ask me how I run at my age? Why in the world I want to run as much or as far as I have?
I got started running when I was in basic training for the United States Air Force and instantly fell in love with it. We only had to run a mile and a half at a time, nothing really strenuous, but I remember running for so many various things. I flashback to being in my PT clothes (gray shorts and a gray t-shirt with the words Air Force on them) running a long someone and pushing them to run further and harder, telling them to imagine the breakfast we would be getting in only thirty short minutes, each step, each breath, getting us closer and closer to that white line on the dark concrete. I loved pushing people to do their best and in the military, you never left anyone behind, regardless of how fast or how slow someone was. You were a team and the team had to get through the run, not just you. I would run every morning for those chow hall breakfasts of ham, grits, French toast, and juice...YUMMY! I still dream about that breakfast! It was so good to me. There's only one place that has a better breakfast and that is The Original Pancake House in Salem, Oregon...Hands down, THE best breakfast EVER! I remember a sense of freedom I had never felt before and an instant addiction to it. That's not surprising because I'm one that can get addicted to something fairly easily. The high of running is like no high I've experienced before. It's beyond euphoric and constant. I can get grumpy just as an addict could and if I go run, I feel much better. The daily dose of endorphins that comes with running is far better than any induced high because it's natural and controlled by your mind. Over the years, I ran to keep fit, on treadmills, to pass my PT tests, and to just be outside, in the world, with myself. I abandoned running after the military because I was in a dark place mentally and didn't pick it up until a few years ago.
Now, I run for a lot of other different reasons. It took me some time to grow up before I could really appreciate it as a sport and what it is to me. I run.... because I love it. for my sanity. for ice cream. to stay young. to be fast. to look damn good in my jeans. so that boys can't catch me. to feel the wind in my face. to have a private concert of whatever music is on my mp3 player that day. to escape from toddlers. because I'm mad. to be a role model. because I GET to. to feel the pain so that I don't hurt so much on the inside. to move the clouds out of my head. to be present with myself and the world. to come up with new ideas about anything. to be a part of a group. to push me. to test my will power. to push my body. because it drives me to accomplish the impossible. to find my own inner strength.
I just recently watched a documentary on the Iron man triathlon and it was astounding for me. The way those humans push their bodies was an eye opener to me. It is so easy to get caught up in the daily routine that Americans have created for themselves, work, work, work; come home, sit in front of the TV for a few hours and eat. I know not every American does this but a lot of us do. The guys and the females in the triathlons were running 3 minute miles! That is NUTS to me because there are some days my head says "No, not today, Amanda. I don't feel like it." Yeah, I think about one of those girls and my ass gets out there really quick and my mind and my body are happier I did. I also can flip through a Victoria Secret catalog and that will get me out there too, running to get those sexy abs. ;)
Running for me now is more than just a sport. I believe having healthy goals for your body is what contributes to stability in your mind, in your heart, and in your soul. I say contribute because I strongly believe a person has to keep their mind healthy too. Different people have different ways of doing that and I feel that's the beauty of living in this world and in America. We are all different, we all do things in our own way. I think our society stemmed away from taking care of your mind and your body for a while but I've noticed a turn around. There is more focus on taking care of the body and finding your own individualism. Running has helped me to define my individualism and has allowed me to take care of myself and the things I care about most. I'm a lucky girl because I'm one of those that GETS to run and as long as I can, I'll keep pushing my willpower, setting new goals, singing to myself, crying when a thought crosses my mind, watching the hot air balloons launch in the morning, all while I'm running to get this body in pristine shape :)
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Running away 21 pounds! AHH!
So, I've been avoiding weighing myself for the past month because I did not want to see the number. I knew in my heart it was higher than it's ever been without a baby in my belly. I'm really making a big deal out of this because for some reason I fear it. I do not know why I do, yet, but for some reason I do not like being bigger than I've ever been. I think part of it is the fact that I enjoy eating. I really do. I know why I do and I know I need to change this habit of mine. I think that's it right there, I'm not going to be able to use food as my comforting piece any more. I've taken away everything that I know that gives me comfort. I don't like drinking much anymore...I hate the hang over. I don't like popping pills and getting a false sense of being happy and I can't eat any more because, well, I'm not going to spend any more money getting another pair of fat girl pants or fat girl shirts. I've hit the size "Large" and when I told my husband that, he just stared at me in disbelief. I'm sure in his head the story went like this "How in the world could you be a size "Large"? You know that is grounds for divorce?" TOTALLY KIDDING, but wouldn't that be horrible if that's what they thought. I understand I'm not fat. I'm actually in the healthy range of weight and my BMI is still in the healthy range, but I have a problem; I don't fit any of my clothes without looking like I'm carrying my five month food baby around. I'm not even going to tell you my size...you won't believe me, I PROMISE!
I've always been that skinny bitch that girls hate...you know the ones that can eat and rink whatever they want and they look fantastic. At 25, that changed for me. My arrogance turned into complete desperation to keep up the skinny bitch profile and when I couldn't I realized I was a little more human than what I thought. I'm a person that has always found happiness in things like alcohol, drugs, food, things that are not very healthy for you at all. When I became more humanized the things that made me happy changed but not the food thing. I've always loved food and drinks. I think because it's instant gratification. To top it off , the sweeter, the greasier, the better. When I was pregnant with Zach I could win any eating contest, especially if it was cake eating. Jeff and I would make a cake every three days and down that bad boy like it had no business being in our house. I never experienced hunger like pregnancy hunger and I had quit smoking on top of it, so I was tasting food for the very first time. I'd have to try all new things because my taste buds were going through a transformation.
I'm not one that is obsessed with being skinny or has a model that she looks at and wants to be like. I do look at women who are my age and wonder how in the hell they do it, raising kids, working, going to school, and not eating until they can't see below their bellies any more. I am curious how efficient my body would be and I do miss wearing some of the cute clothes I had back in the day...not anything risqué just jeans and t-shirt that didn't have this pooch big enough to be an additional head on my body. Just the other night when we had some friends over for the UFC fight, one of the Tap Out girls came out waving the sign for the round in her little bikini and I was throwing a small pity party for myself and told the girl next to me "She seriously needs to go have a baby or something, instead of waving all that around." I know, a little harsh, but it's how I felt...just because I would love to look like that again.
Doing this plan that I've created for myself leaves me with no alcohol and no unhealthy food. Some people will say, "Don't stress about what you eat; just eat healthy and exercise." Ok, I did that, and I maintained my fat girl weight. Each body type is different, I think. Some people can not stress or not count calories, exercise and watch the weight fall off. Some have to count calories, not worry about exercise and the weight goes away, well, I'm one of those that has to do both or NOTHING happens! AHH!
The frustrating part of this is that I tried to not stress about what I ate and for the past two month have worked my way from running 0 miles to running 7 miles and have lost NOT A POUND...NOTHING! I've chosen running as my sport of choice on purpose and I'll write about that on a different day. Now, if you're a runner, you know how grueling getting back into the runs actually is. It's worse than maintaining a weekly goal of miles. Those first runs are so hard and you never feel like you're gonna make it. Carrying around 10 extra pounds while trying to run does nothing but slow you down. Right now, I'm SLOW but I'm running so that's good.
According to SparkPeople (a website for free diet plans and trackers) I will meet my weight loss goal of 21 lbs in March IF I stay with my plan of 1200-1500 calories a day, exercising six days a week, and not crying every day while doing it. I have to have a plan, a structured one. One where a little military TI (training instructor) comes out and yells at me if I'm not following it. I have to write down the days of the week, plan out the exercises, my meals and stick to it...give myself a few options and stick to them. The time period I cave is after the kids go down. I LOVE to reward myself with a glass of wine, a beer, or a snack. Jeff helps me with it too because we share this love of eating and procrastinating when working out. SO, I went on SparkPeople, joined the site, joined a few motivating teams and planned out strategy.
I'm also training to run a half marathon. I'm still debating on which one to do because if I do PF Chang's it's $110 for registration right now! WTF! I may just skip the half and go straight for the full in February. Regardless, my next course of action is to run a half very soon. Damn, I'm running 7 miles on Saturday, I can't let all this effort go to waste for nothing. Training for a half marathon means running at least four times a week like running 3 to 4 miles every other day and then doing a long run on the weekends. On the days you don't run, you cross train, do something like biking or strength training. My goal is to do a little bit of both. I'm a member of Anytime Fitness and they have awesome cross training machines, Zumba and Yoga which are all things I love, so I feel confident I can mix it up. I just have to have the PLAN down and on a calendar.
Now my weakness in this is not to isolate myself. I'm great at isolating myself. If you ever need to do for whatever reason, let me know, I'm an expert. I isolate myself when I feel imperfect or not happy about something. I feel like the world is judging me and because of that I don't know how to act around people. I'm learning how not to isolate myself, especially during these times when I loathe my body. I know I shouldn't loathe my body because it is what keeps me alive every day, however, I also am realistic and know until I get some "head work" done, that part is going to stay there for a minute.
I'm sharing this for two reasons, one because I'm human and I know I share the same frustration with other women and two, writing it for me makes me more accountable for my actions. So, here I go, running after March 4, 2011 where I should be 21 lbs lighter!!
I've always been that skinny bitch that girls hate...you know the ones that can eat and rink whatever they want and they look fantastic. At 25, that changed for me. My arrogance turned into complete desperation to keep up the skinny bitch profile and when I couldn't I realized I was a little more human than what I thought. I'm a person that has always found happiness in things like alcohol, drugs, food, things that are not very healthy for you at all. When I became more humanized the things that made me happy changed but not the food thing. I've always loved food and drinks. I think because it's instant gratification. To top it off , the sweeter, the greasier, the better. When I was pregnant with Zach I could win any eating contest, especially if it was cake eating. Jeff and I would make a cake every three days and down that bad boy like it had no business being in our house. I never experienced hunger like pregnancy hunger and I had quit smoking on top of it, so I was tasting food for the very first time. I'd have to try all new things because my taste buds were going through a transformation.
I'm not one that is obsessed with being skinny or has a model that she looks at and wants to be like. I do look at women who are my age and wonder how in the hell they do it, raising kids, working, going to school, and not eating until they can't see below their bellies any more. I am curious how efficient my body would be and I do miss wearing some of the cute clothes I had back in the day...not anything risqué just jeans and t-shirt that didn't have this pooch big enough to be an additional head on my body. Just the other night when we had some friends over for the UFC fight, one of the Tap Out girls came out waving the sign for the round in her little bikini and I was throwing a small pity party for myself and told the girl next to me "She seriously needs to go have a baby or something, instead of waving all that around." I know, a little harsh, but it's how I felt...just because I would love to look like that again.
Doing this plan that I've created for myself leaves me with no alcohol and no unhealthy food. Some people will say, "Don't stress about what you eat; just eat healthy and exercise." Ok, I did that, and I maintained my fat girl weight. Each body type is different, I think. Some people can not stress or not count calories, exercise and watch the weight fall off. Some have to count calories, not worry about exercise and the weight goes away, well, I'm one of those that has to do both or NOTHING happens! AHH!
The frustrating part of this is that I tried to not stress about what I ate and for the past two month have worked my way from running 0 miles to running 7 miles and have lost NOT A POUND...NOTHING! I've chosen running as my sport of choice on purpose and I'll write about that on a different day. Now, if you're a runner, you know how grueling getting back into the runs actually is. It's worse than maintaining a weekly goal of miles. Those first runs are so hard and you never feel like you're gonna make it. Carrying around 10 extra pounds while trying to run does nothing but slow you down. Right now, I'm SLOW but I'm running so that's good.
According to SparkPeople (a website for free diet plans and trackers) I will meet my weight loss goal of 21 lbs in March IF I stay with my plan of 1200-1500 calories a day, exercising six days a week, and not crying every day while doing it. I have to have a plan, a structured one. One where a little military TI (training instructor) comes out and yells at me if I'm not following it. I have to write down the days of the week, plan out the exercises, my meals and stick to it...give myself a few options and stick to them. The time period I cave is after the kids go down. I LOVE to reward myself with a glass of wine, a beer, or a snack. Jeff helps me with it too because we share this love of eating and procrastinating when working out. SO, I went on SparkPeople, joined the site, joined a few motivating teams and planned out strategy.
I'm also training to run a half marathon. I'm still debating on which one to do because if I do PF Chang's it's $110 for registration right now! WTF! I may just skip the half and go straight for the full in February. Regardless, my next course of action is to run a half very soon. Damn, I'm running 7 miles on Saturday, I can't let all this effort go to waste for nothing. Training for a half marathon means running at least four times a week like running 3 to 4 miles every other day and then doing a long run on the weekends. On the days you don't run, you cross train, do something like biking or strength training. My goal is to do a little bit of both. I'm a member of Anytime Fitness and they have awesome cross training machines, Zumba and Yoga which are all things I love, so I feel confident I can mix it up. I just have to have the PLAN down and on a calendar.
Now my weakness in this is not to isolate myself. I'm great at isolating myself. If you ever need to do for whatever reason, let me know, I'm an expert. I isolate myself when I feel imperfect or not happy about something. I feel like the world is judging me and because of that I don't know how to act around people. I'm learning how not to isolate myself, especially during these times when I loathe my body. I know I shouldn't loathe my body because it is what keeps me alive every day, however, I also am realistic and know until I get some "head work" done, that part is going to stay there for a minute.
I'm sharing this for two reasons, one because I'm human and I know I share the same frustration with other women and two, writing it for me makes me more accountable for my actions. So, here I go, running after March 4, 2011 where I should be 21 lbs lighter!!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
My husband ROCKS!
1. He loves unconditionally with an enormous amount of loyalty. This man has been through a roller coaster ride dealing with a person like me and has chosen to love me unconditionally through all of it. He also loves with an extreme amount of loyalty and is very, very protective. If anyone comes close to even saying something that remotely hurts someone he loves or considers a friend, you better watch out, because the rath of Jeff Longie is not a pretty thing.
2. He is a GREAT father. Jeff is a big kid himself, as I think all men are. Some hide that big kid quality and some don't hide it so well. For some women, it's irritating as hell. For me, I adore this quality in him. He has taught me how to be a child around my children; how to engage the fun side of being a parent. For Father's Day this past year, I bought him a Nerf gun that he'd been eying for months and his adult side couldn't justify spending $30 for it. He giggled like a school girl when he got it and has already talked about how he's going to "mod" it out. He's shown me what playing with children actually is and has soothed my fears of being a good mom because I didn't know how to do that with my kids.
3. He is a natural born rebel. I fell in love with Jeff's rebellious side instantly because I'm a rebel myself. He is not afraid to go against what is normal and what may be considered right in society. I admire this quality in him because I have always believed in standing up for what you believe is right regardless if everyone tells you that you are wrong. I flash back to a day when I was running and daydreaming about an imaginary party that will happen when Jeff and I hit 10 years of marriage because it always takes the "run" out of running for me. I was thinking about how the party would go and daydreaming about how the renewal of the vows part would run in my head. When I came to this characteristic, I got all chocked up and almost had to stop running. I didn't realize it was a quality about him that I admired so much. It falls into place with what values I want my children to learn and how I live my life, so I appreciate this quality dearly.
4. He is SO funny. Just the other night, our babysitter had no idea who The Jeffersons were. Well, it's because she was born in 1988!!! I won't even touch on how old that made us feel. So, I did what any other person would do, grabbed my lap top and "you.tubed" the video, showed it to her. Right in the middle of it, Jeff walks in, yanks his pajama pants up to his chest and does the infamous Jeff dance which consists of moving his hips back and forth in a forward and then back motion while moving his arms in the opposite direction, all the way to our bathroom, turns around and points his index fingers down like George use to and walks towards us, screaming "MOVING ON UPPP!". Who couldn't laugh at that seriously!? Me and our babysitter were rolling on the floor laughing, it was that funny.
5. He is sensitive. This really makes being a woman much easier, really. If I didn't have a guy that was sensitive, I don't know what I would do. Jeff has his "girly" moments just like I have mine. He PMS's the way that I do and I think that it's cool. I love it because he can relate to me when I have my "girly" days. He also tears up at a precious picture of our children, any child really, and adores animals. Children and animals are drawn to him, instantly. About a week ago, he told me every time he sees a baby, it makes him want another one. SEE! He gets what women go through when they get that longing to have and to hold another baby in their arms. I think what contributed to this was because 8 weeks after Jessie was born, he played the role of Mr. Mom while I went back to work for a year. He adored her and so wishes he could go back to those moments when our babies were little. Anytime I see this side of him makes me appreciate the heart he has; it's what makes him beautiful.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Surgery number four on the girl parts...a lose-lose situation
I've always been a writer, since high school English class with Mrs. Inabinet, probably even before then, but I don't remember so well. I've also wanted to always do a blog but always made excuses for it.
ANYWAYS, what better time to do it than while I'm recovering from this stupid surgery. It's stupid in my mind. I know it's necessary and it deals with my health, but quite frankly, it's just like having to go pee, it takes so much time to go in, pull down your pants, sit on the toilet, do your thing (rolling the eyes), tear the tissue while battling whether really which way is the right way for the roll to be on, wipe, pull up your pants, flush, and go about your business. Now if you're a mom I dare you to try and go pee when your two year old is asleep. In my house, I would come out of the bathroom and my hallway wall would be covered in a new color - SHARPIE. Nope, didn't stutter, yes, Sharpie, marker because my two year old decided that nap time wasn't going to happen that day. That was fun.
So this surgery is just as irritating as having to pee in the middle of writing a paper or cooking dinner or heaven forbid, talking on the phone. It's irritating because it's gonna take me about two weeks to not walk like a 70 year old and 4 weeks before I'm exercising, still working on that battle to lose the last 10 lbs of my 2 year old. That is another story for a different day, I tell ya. I'm slightly impatient when it comes to things and just now after 30 years realizing this.I understand it's unrealistic, but I still am aggravated that it takes a month for your body to recover from a surgery. I mean, now, they can go in and replace parts and make life expectancy about 20 years older and you can basically get a catalog ordered baby, packed with your own eye color, stature, and hair style, but it still takes FOREVER to get back to normal from removing a little blood and scar tissue? There's gotta be a pill for speedy recovery, there's gotta be.
In case your curious, surgery number four on the girl parts included removing blood from my pelvic cavity and abdominal cavity. The docs also removed scar tissue "aka" adhesions from my left ovary and small intestine. Apparently, my menstrual blood decided it was going to go backwards into my pelvic cavity and not into my uterus like it's supposed to. My husband has called my girl parts "an angry beaver" before...there's a new definition of it. These adhesions formed when after I was sewed up from my two c-sections. Apparently, scar tissue forms to heal the body and my body decided my left ovary was broken and my small intestine was broken and needed extra tissue. The doc also informed me that I had quite a bit of scar tissue on the bladder caused from one of my c-sections. I didn't know this but they sometimes injure the bladder when they cut you open. This would explain the repeated bladder infections and the colicky cramping I get. The third surgery was to remove some ovarian cysts from the left ovary, and the other two were my c-sections for my lovely children.
My mom, after telling her about the ovarian cyst surgery, recommended getting a hysterectomy. At the time, I was still dreamy eyed about not doing that because what if something were to happen to the kids, what if something happened to me and Jeff, would removing my girl parts make me less of a woman? A year later, talking to the doctor who did this surgery and enduring four ovarian cysts rupturing, I asked him if he could PLEASE remove at least the left ovary. Yeah, I was serious because being a woman, already has it's sucky moments, but no woman should have to endure the rupturing of a cyst AFTER giving birth to children. You've put in your time, done your duty, after bearing children. I'm still pissed women have to go through menopause and get ridiculed for it. "HA, HA" the doc said, "You're ovaries are still in great shape despite the complications you've had." Other women tell me "No, I know friends who did just a partial hysterectomy and struggled to get the hormone cocktail correct." What flashes through my mind is my poor husband's face when the Exorcist in me decides it wants to come out and I have no control what so ever, very similar to what pregnancy was. This person, hell, I wouldn't even call it a person, this hormone devil, came and took over my body when I was pregnant and said and did things I, Amanda, would never, ever, say or do. I can't do that to me and Jeff again, we've been through it twice. I need to give him a few years before he has to go through that again.
So here I sit, with my angry girl parts, injured and full of piss and vinegar. I'm here for a reason though. I think that reason is to slow down and to not be superwoman any more; I have a strange feeling my body doesn't like it too much...three years and two surgeries...HMMM. I'm lucky because I have great friends and a great family. My girl friends have brought over meals for a whole week and my in laws, who I think of like my mom and dad, have helped Jeff take care of our kids and him this weekend. Tonight, I've gotten to create something that I've wanted to create for years, so really, this surgery isn't a lose-lose situation...turn that frown upside down, girl, it's a win-win. :)
ANYWAYS, what better time to do it than while I'm recovering from this stupid surgery. It's stupid in my mind. I know it's necessary and it deals with my health, but quite frankly, it's just like having to go pee, it takes so much time to go in, pull down your pants, sit on the toilet, do your thing (rolling the eyes), tear the tissue while battling whether really which way is the right way for the roll to be on, wipe, pull up your pants, flush, and go about your business. Now if you're a mom I dare you to try and go pee when your two year old is asleep. In my house, I would come out of the bathroom and my hallway wall would be covered in a new color - SHARPIE. Nope, didn't stutter, yes, Sharpie, marker because my two year old decided that nap time wasn't going to happen that day. That was fun.
So this surgery is just as irritating as having to pee in the middle of writing a paper or cooking dinner or heaven forbid, talking on the phone. It's irritating because it's gonna take me about two weeks to not walk like a 70 year old and 4 weeks before I'm exercising, still working on that battle to lose the last 10 lbs of my 2 year old. That is another story for a different day, I tell ya. I'm slightly impatient when it comes to things and just now after 30 years realizing this.I understand it's unrealistic, but I still am aggravated that it takes a month for your body to recover from a surgery. I mean, now, they can go in and replace parts and make life expectancy about 20 years older and you can basically get a catalog ordered baby, packed with your own eye color, stature, and hair style, but it still takes FOREVER to get back to normal from removing a little blood and scar tissue? There's gotta be a pill for speedy recovery, there's gotta be.
In case your curious, surgery number four on the girl parts included removing blood from my pelvic cavity and abdominal cavity. The docs also removed scar tissue "aka" adhesions from my left ovary and small intestine. Apparently, my menstrual blood decided it was going to go backwards into my pelvic cavity and not into my uterus like it's supposed to. My husband has called my girl parts "an angry beaver" before...there's a new definition of it. These adhesions formed when after I was sewed up from my two c-sections. Apparently, scar tissue forms to heal the body and my body decided my left ovary was broken and my small intestine was broken and needed extra tissue. The doc also informed me that I had quite a bit of scar tissue on the bladder caused from one of my c-sections. I didn't know this but they sometimes injure the bladder when they cut you open. This would explain the repeated bladder infections and the colicky cramping I get. The third surgery was to remove some ovarian cysts from the left ovary, and the other two were my c-sections for my lovely children.
My mom, after telling her about the ovarian cyst surgery, recommended getting a hysterectomy. At the time, I was still dreamy eyed about not doing that because what if something were to happen to the kids, what if something happened to me and Jeff, would removing my girl parts make me less of a woman? A year later, talking to the doctor who did this surgery and enduring four ovarian cysts rupturing, I asked him if he could PLEASE remove at least the left ovary. Yeah, I was serious because being a woman, already has it's sucky moments, but no woman should have to endure the rupturing of a cyst AFTER giving birth to children. You've put in your time, done your duty, after bearing children. I'm still pissed women have to go through menopause and get ridiculed for it. "HA, HA" the doc said, "You're ovaries are still in great shape despite the complications you've had." Other women tell me "No, I know friends who did just a partial hysterectomy and struggled to get the hormone cocktail correct." What flashes through my mind is my poor husband's face when the Exorcist in me decides it wants to come out and I have no control what so ever, very similar to what pregnancy was. This person, hell, I wouldn't even call it a person, this hormone devil, came and took over my body when I was pregnant and said and did things I, Amanda, would never, ever, say or do. I can't do that to me and Jeff again, we've been through it twice. I need to give him a few years before he has to go through that again.
So here I sit, with my angry girl parts, injured and full of piss and vinegar. I'm here for a reason though. I think that reason is to slow down and to not be superwoman any more; I have a strange feeling my body doesn't like it too much...three years and two surgeries...HMMM. I'm lucky because I have great friends and a great family. My girl friends have brought over meals for a whole week and my in laws, who I think of like my mom and dad, have helped Jeff take care of our kids and him this weekend. Tonight, I've gotten to create something that I've wanted to create for years, so really, this surgery isn't a lose-lose situation...turn that frown upside down, girl, it's a win-win. :)
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