This was my third pregnancy, my final pregnancy, and my toughest one. I expected the preterm labor issues of dealing with an irritable uterus. That entails dealing with minor and then major contractions, visits to the hospital, bed rest (almost impossible to do without a guilty conscious as a mother of two) and medication with wonderful side effects to ensure our little man made it to full term. That is nerve racking enough!
Around week 24, I went to the VA Medical Center here in Phoenix to attend a breast feeding class. Completing this class meant I left with a brand new breast pump and FOUR baskets full of items for our little guy, his big brother and sister, and for myself. The past couple of days leading to this class, I felt like something wasn't right. I was getting irritable, REALLY irritable for myself, I would shake and have this need to get food, mostly sweets to calm the shakes. After I ate something I'd get a headache and get so thirsty. I was meeting and surpassing my daily intake of water by the morning. Every couple of hours I'd go through this cycle and I kept telling my husband "Something is wrong with me. I don't know what it is but something is not right."
This same morning I had a doctor's appointment and I told the nurse what was going on but they chalked it up to be normal pregnancy symptoms. I told her several times, I'd never felt like this before. They checked my blood sugar, blood pressure and everything was normal. Mind you, I had just eaten prior to waling into that doctor's office because I was symptomatic. Anyways, so I'm in the breastfeeding class and I started feeling symptomatic again. I told the nurse that was in the class because I had a 2 year relationship with her. She knew me well and even stopped the class to ask how I was because she saw I wasn't quite right. I told her I didn't feel right and explained to her my symptoms. She took me back to a room and monitored my blood pressure. She took it laying down, and then sitting up. When I sat up, I passed out. When I came to, she gave me juice and crackers. Now prior to this, I had eaten breakfast and it was coming up on noon. I hadn't had anything to eat since. She let me be for a bout ten minutes and checked my blood sugar and it was in normal range. She couldn't find anything wrong with me. Because I was pregnant, passed out and was symptomatic, she sent me to the ER. I sat for four hours and while I was waiting my husband brought me dinner. They again couldn't find anything wrong with me.
After this incident at the hospital I started paying attention to my body and doing my own research because obviously the medical doctors weren't finding anything. I noticed that I didn't feel good if I waited too long to eat and if I ate like crap. My doctor did schedule a 3 hour glucose because I failed the one hour glucose test. It read 163. Normal readings range from 70-129. It wasn't scheduled for another week, so during this time, I kept food on me all the time, ate well and noticed anything sweet and full of sugar made me feel awful. I went in for the three hour glucose test and that was a horrible experience.
This pregnancy was full of painful experiences and I truly feel like the lesson learned here was to gain even more patience and to learn to be cordial even through bouts of pain. These experiences definitely gave me plenty of times to practice this lesson. The three hour test basically was a very simple process. A patient shows up to the lab at a specific time, drinks a bottle of glucose, and each hour for three hours, gets blood drawn. The patient can not eat or drink eight hours prior to the test. By the time I got there, I was starving, so I was looking forward to the glucose drink. I was already a little symptomatic, so I downed it knowing full and well I was going to feel horrible. At about 45 minutes, the pounding headache kicked in, the confusion and the blurry vision. Two hours rolled by and I was still feeling symptomatic and tired. The third hour hit and I I started feeling ok. I failed the test miserably. The first hour my blood sugar levels were in the 200 range. The second hour was at 183 and the third hour was 162. Confirmed I had gestational diabetes.
So what is it? What does it mean? The American Diabetes Association describes gestational diabetes as being a condition where the mother's body is not able to make and use all the insulin she needs for pregnancy. Without the insulin, glucose can not leave the blood and be changed into energy, thus leaving glucose in the body creating high level blood sugar readings. It's believed that the placenta may to blame for gestational diabetes. Hormones from the placenta help the baby grow and develop but also the hormones block the mother's ability to allow insulin into her body.
Most women who develop gestational diabetes may be overweight, may have diabetes history in her family, may be part of a specific ethnic group, given birth to large babies previously, or have too much amniotic fluid. The only factor that fit me is the diabetes in my family. I have it on both sides with my father, most of his family and my mother's side. Her mother has it.
I was so symptomatic and so nervous about it that I went out and got my own blood sugar machine and started keeping track of my readings. Most people who are diabetic or deal with gestational diabetes have to follow a strict diet along with taking insulin or other medications that tell the pancreas to create insulin, like Glyburide.They also have to eat every few hours to sustain their blood sugar levels; hence why I was getting symptomatic at the VA hospital. I figured out through controlling my diet before even going back to the doctor, anything processed, or that was a grain, like bread, cereals, pasta, regardless of whether it was whole grain or not, would increase my blood sugar levels. So what I did was put myself on a Paleo diet (all meats, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and healthy fats). When I went back to the doctor and told him what I was doing, he wasn't happy that I was depriving my little guy of breads and dairy so he prescribed Glyburide and because of the way the medication works, I took it once in the morning. It is a slow release medication and to be honest, I could have stayed off of it and followed the Paleo diet, I believe and been more healthy. I have my husband's taste buds during pregnancy and they did not fit the Paleo diet. I wanted everything that was bad for me, so I took the Glyburide and used it as my cructch to have the pasta and pizza sometimes. Even on the medication I still had to watch my diet. I switched to diet soda if I drank it, cut out pizza, pasta, anything with grains in it that wasn't whole grain. I mainly stuck to protein, non-starchy vegetables, light fruit options, and no processed foods. It was very difficult to do and required a lot more work. The American diet is not built for diabetics at all.
Being diabetic, I had to go to the doctor twice a week to check on our little guy. We had to look at the placenta to ensure it was working the way that it should, check his size to ensure he wasn't getting too big and also make sure he was breathing the way he should. Going to the doctor twice a week I learned where and how big my placenta was, how to check for my little guy's breathing and noticed he was doing fantastic as far as size. All of this was because I was strict with my diet and my medication. I also didn't gain much weight because of the diet. I gained right at 20 lbs with this pregnancy which is something I didn't do with my first two. I was one that loved to eat while pregnant. Not this go round!
At week 35, I went into labor and I knew I went into labor because my blood sugar dropped and I could eat whatever I wanted without medication and without regulating my sugar. I didn't realize it until one morning after eating breakfast and taking my meds that my blood sugar dropped to 63. I was contracting quite a bit and the contractions had gotten more intense but I didn't really think about it because of the irritable uterus condition. Having an irritable uterus and a cervix of steel (as my doc says) I knew my contractions weren't making any progress. With my first born son I labored after my water was broken for 38 hours with no epidural and dilated to a two. With my second I contracted all through my pregnancy and dilated to a 1. I went to the hospital because the contractions were so strong I was trembling, nauseous, and struggling to get through the pain. I got to the hospital and, like I thought, I was only dilated to a 1. The doctors gave me a shot of terbutaline and home I went. This time that shot stopped labor contractions...for four hours. It happened again at 37 weeks and 4 days. That time it slowed the contractions but didn't' stop. The doctor told me he wanted to keep my little guy in so that his lungs could develop as much as possible and I was going to have to deal with these contractions. THAT WAS PURE HELL but another story for another post.
This brings up the side effects of dealing with gestational diabetes and the side effects it can have on the baby. Uncontrolled diabetes can lead to the baby's respiratory system not fully developing, a baby being large, a baby having diabetes at birth or having low blood sugar issues at birth, and other major complications.
At this point, my blood sugar levels were just the opposite; they spiked significantly. I had to increase my medication to taking it twice a day and had to be even stricter with my diet. I was OK with that because during this period I was MISERABLE. The contractions were SO difficult to deal with. As much as I wanted to, I could not get a pattern on them and knew in my heart I wasn't because of that damn cervix of steel. I ended up making it to my scheduled date of 39 weeks and had a healthy baby boy. He was 7 lbs 4 oz and did not have any blood sugar issues. I also do not have any blood sugar issues, thank goodness, and had a list of foods I wanted to eat. The first one was a coke...a real one and my best friend was such a sweet heart, she brought me Krispy Kreme donuts that I had been craving and a bag of Dove chocolate, my favorite.
It's amazing what our bodies go through during pregnancy and even more so, proof of what willpower we humans hold. I'd gladly go through the experience again, if it meant my little guy comes out as healthy as he did. I wouldn't change my experience for anything. I've gained knowledge of how diabetics live and the struggle they have on a daily basis to sustain. I've also been reminded of what willpower is and how important healthy food is for our bodies. Thankfully, I'm losing my husband's taste buds and starting to crave those fresh veggies again and hopefully can stifle off diabetes in the future.
Showing posts with label Self-Help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-Help. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The Ugliness of Emotional Manipulation
Ever have a relationship with someone where you feel like you can't win? They always have this need to be right.
You may have a headache and they all of a sudden have a brain tumor?
I'm talking about all kinds of relationships, marriages, friendships, parental, and child relationships are all included.
For some reason this seems to be a common theme in my life in the last few months and the ugliness of it astounds me.
Most emotional manipulators start out with a grand story to "hook" you into their life and make you feel sorry for them. You may see them as caring, sensitive and vulnerable. These people are not vulnerable, there is always going to be some type of crisis or situation they have to overcome.
They also are very unaware of their own faults and have a keen sense of other people's faults. Once you've been "hooked" into their lives, how dare you not give them what they need? The idea of them providing emotional needs for themselves is foreign and when suggested often shut down by a change in the subject or a swift move to another sob story about how someone else has victimized them in their lives.
Dealing with somebody who uses the vulnerability card as these people do is a mind blowing risk. You know if you play in to it you get nowhere and if you step out of it, the anger card comes out with no responsibility being shown for their actions at all. Sometimes the anger card can be just a manipulating move within itself, like the silent treatment.
The emotional manipulator pulls everyone they know into their stories and will lie so smoothly, you almost question whether or not it is a lie. They often deny their lies and get angry when confronted about it they will lash back with statements of "People that lie make me sick. I'd never do that." Meanwhile, they continue to badger, hurt, and pound on the vulnerable and weak that will tolerate the manipulation for the excuse of "love".
People often wonder why and how people become emotional manipulators. Most of it is because of their history, the baggage they carry from their pasts, and the baggage they bring into new relationships. Poor coping skills, poor self esteem, codependency, and survival because of abusive relationships are all factors that could play into why people become emotional manipulators. It may be all they know to do.
It's been a long time sense I've been a part of this type of relationship. Once the realization came that I was in it, even as a counselor I realized there are no quick "fixes" for these people. A lot of them do not ever see who they truly are and how they hurt people. I deal with manipulators on a daily basis because of one of my roles as a substance abuse counselor. I am aware of what they "need" to do but just like with any type of behavior, all the knowledge in the world will not change a person. They must do the work themselves. It requires a lot of awareness, self searching, and behavior change on their part.
What about yourself? Do you tolerate this type of manipulation? What if it's a parent that is the emotional manipulator and the idea of cutting off the relationship is not an option? I can not change a person. I can only change how I react and respond to the emotional manipulator. For myself, that requires looking inward and asking myself "How do I get involved in this type of relationship?" "Where are the boundaries?" Usually that brings up some unresolved guilt and shame that I have along with the element of fear....one that emotional manipulators prey on the most and will throw back at you as you try to address the issue with them in a rational manner.
It's best to set the boundaries when you recognize you're in a relationship with an emotional manipulator.
Shut the person down when you know their lying.
Call them out on what they may be denying.
Get off the phone or change the subject when you notice the manipulation starting.
Most of all take care of yourself, be true to yourself, and know that sometimes loving yourself means doing the hard things and making some changes. The uncomfortableness that may come with you taking steps to make these changes are growth and that is what we were born to do....evolve.
You may have a headache and they all of a sudden have a brain tumor?
I'm talking about all kinds of relationships, marriages, friendships, parental, and child relationships are all included.
For some reason this seems to be a common theme in my life in the last few months and the ugliness of it astounds me.
Most emotional manipulators start out with a grand story to "hook" you into their life and make you feel sorry for them. You may see them as caring, sensitive and vulnerable. These people are not vulnerable, there is always going to be some type of crisis or situation they have to overcome.
They also are very unaware of their own faults and have a keen sense of other people's faults. Once you've been "hooked" into their lives, how dare you not give them what they need? The idea of them providing emotional needs for themselves is foreign and when suggested often shut down by a change in the subject or a swift move to another sob story about how someone else has victimized them in their lives.
Dealing with somebody who uses the vulnerability card as these people do is a mind blowing risk. You know if you play in to it you get nowhere and if you step out of it, the anger card comes out with no responsibility being shown for their actions at all. Sometimes the anger card can be just a manipulating move within itself, like the silent treatment.
The emotional manipulator pulls everyone they know into their stories and will lie so smoothly, you almost question whether or not it is a lie. They often deny their lies and get angry when confronted about it they will lash back with statements of "People that lie make me sick. I'd never do that." Meanwhile, they continue to badger, hurt, and pound on the vulnerable and weak that will tolerate the manipulation for the excuse of "love".
People often wonder why and how people become emotional manipulators. Most of it is because of their history, the baggage they carry from their pasts, and the baggage they bring into new relationships. Poor coping skills, poor self esteem, codependency, and survival because of abusive relationships are all factors that could play into why people become emotional manipulators. It may be all they know to do.
It's been a long time sense I've been a part of this type of relationship. Once the realization came that I was in it, even as a counselor I realized there are no quick "fixes" for these people. A lot of them do not ever see who they truly are and how they hurt people. I deal with manipulators on a daily basis because of one of my roles as a substance abuse counselor. I am aware of what they "need" to do but just like with any type of behavior, all the knowledge in the world will not change a person. They must do the work themselves. It requires a lot of awareness, self searching, and behavior change on their part.
What about yourself? Do you tolerate this type of manipulation? What if it's a parent that is the emotional manipulator and the idea of cutting off the relationship is not an option? I can not change a person. I can only change how I react and respond to the emotional manipulator. For myself, that requires looking inward and asking myself "How do I get involved in this type of relationship?" "Where are the boundaries?" Usually that brings up some unresolved guilt and shame that I have along with the element of fear....one that emotional manipulators prey on the most and will throw back at you as you try to address the issue with them in a rational manner.
It's best to set the boundaries when you recognize you're in a relationship with an emotional manipulator.
Shut the person down when you know their lying.
Call them out on what they may be denying.
Get off the phone or change the subject when you notice the manipulation starting.
Most of all take care of yourself, be true to yourself, and know that sometimes loving yourself means doing the hard things and making some changes. The uncomfortableness that may come with you taking steps to make these changes are growth and that is what we were born to do....evolve.
Monday, February 7, 2011
The Ugly
You know, I told myself when I started this blog that I was going to use it to help others and to share my thoughts about life as a woman, however, I have been avoiding it like the plague lately out of fear...fear of being judged for what is my thoughts lately. I'm taking a leap here because I think it will help others but also think it will help me too.
Not everyone knows that I am on a journey to become a therapist and I've kept it that way for a while for fear of being judged. I am a year away from being a licensed therapist with concentrations in substance abuse and trauma, abuse, and deprivation. My past is definitely a colorful one and one of the main reasons I am taking this journey to help others is because I can share some of their experiences. I can relate to people who have substance abuse issues, who have experienced trauma, and who have struggled to get out of some pretty deep holes. I have some big goals when it comes to helping others. I'm lucky to say that I will be working with veterans starting in May. I get to lead some of the men who have fought for us through group therapy and individual therapy for their substance abuse issues. I also want to eventually help women and children who have been abused and if I had my way I would work with the incarcerated, the lowest of the low.
In order to be a successful therapist, a person should be comfortable in their own skin so that when a person sits down and shares their most intimate secrets with them, they can not judge them and also should look at them with empathy, even if they tell you that they beat the shit out of their kids every day. I mean you could judge them but never to their face. You wouldn't make any money as a therapist. The model therapist would not judge and try to find a solution that works for the client.
I decided if I was going to go to school to become a therapist, I had better get some therapy of my own to battle my own demons. The reason being because understanding the therapy process will make you a better therapist. You can actually see what works for yourself and share that with people if need be. I feel like going off on a tangent here about how counseling is so taboo, but I'm going to save my audience from the ranting and the raving about therapy and just say that it is very nice to see our society turning towards individualism and the problems that come with searching for that. A few weeks into it I was absolutely amazed at what I learned about myself and my relationship with my husband. I've changed so many habits that were almost ritualistic that it's hard to believe I ever did them. Now, I'm kicking my self because I've come to the hard stuff, the stuff people push away and never speak about.
While going through all of this, I wonder how many people I share this with, how many people have things that they never talk about again after it happens. I think about how many people I come across every day, how many women I look in the eye and ask "Hey, how are you?" and we all respond with "Good. How are you?" I now look at people wondering what they are really struggling with that day, how their lives have been before the moment I see them, and where they really want to be. It also makes me think about how we humans do not trust and are so scared to take a risk. It's allowed me to look at the dynamic of how people become friends with each other. For myself, it's taking a risk by sharing something intimate with someone I think I like and I think I get a long with, hoping to create a foundation for a solid friendship.For others its about sharing something they have in common, sometimes as shallow as what status they are in society to having children to seeing how many people they actually know.
During this journey, I have also learned something very important. I do not have to be perfect. Because of my experiences I've always strived to be perfect and to be what society and some other unnamed people deem successful. I've tripped along the stones in life's path a few times; hell, I've fallen flat on my face more than once. I'm a stubborn one though and will pick myself up, brush myself off and keep on walking because I do have the hunger for life. It took me about 25 years of my life to make a drastic change and to live for myself. That is a different story for another day, how I came to that point.
Today, this article is about admitting to not being good...breaking that barrier of "I'm good, how are you?" People don't share that they are not doing well out of fear of being judged and out of everyone finding out their problems. What I think is amazing is that we all struggle; all of us have our own demons, yet we hide them and put on that everyday mask to hide from those issues out of fear. Facing your demons is not easy work, it's hard and it sucks. I'm not asking people to just share their feelings with everyone. I think it's important to have healthy boundaries for yourself and walking around sharing your issues with everyone is not a good practice. It creates vulnerability and vulnerable people get hurt very quickly. All I'm sharing is the realization of it being ok to be intimate with someone and to share with them that you're not doing ok. Being intimate doesn't mean to have sex with someone but to share something personal about yourself to someone you trust.
If you see me tomorrow or in a week or two, I'll tell you, "I've had better days." Because lately, I have not been fine. Yep, I said it, I am not good right now. Nope, I'm not "fine", I'm not "ok", and I'm definitely not "alright". I'm struggling with some very hard, intimate things about myself right now that has nothing to do with my husband or my children, just me. I promise you I won't give you this long, drawn out story about what I'm going through so you're not burdened with it. To heal and to meet my goals of helping people, it's a neccesity to face the ugly.
So if you're struggling, if you're hurting, if you're having a bad day, own it, tell someone you trust. Take a risk, ask for a hug, grab a hand, take a bath, do something for yourself because more than likely, you need it.
Not everyone knows that I am on a journey to become a therapist and I've kept it that way for a while for fear of being judged. I am a year away from being a licensed therapist with concentrations in substance abuse and trauma, abuse, and deprivation. My past is definitely a colorful one and one of the main reasons I am taking this journey to help others is because I can share some of their experiences. I can relate to people who have substance abuse issues, who have experienced trauma, and who have struggled to get out of some pretty deep holes. I have some big goals when it comes to helping others. I'm lucky to say that I will be working with veterans starting in May. I get to lead some of the men who have fought for us through group therapy and individual therapy for their substance abuse issues. I also want to eventually help women and children who have been abused and if I had my way I would work with the incarcerated, the lowest of the low.
In order to be a successful therapist, a person should be comfortable in their own skin so that when a person sits down and shares their most intimate secrets with them, they can not judge them and also should look at them with empathy, even if they tell you that they beat the shit out of their kids every day. I mean you could judge them but never to their face. You wouldn't make any money as a therapist. The model therapist would not judge and try to find a solution that works for the client.
I decided if I was going to go to school to become a therapist, I had better get some therapy of my own to battle my own demons. The reason being because understanding the therapy process will make you a better therapist. You can actually see what works for yourself and share that with people if need be. I feel like going off on a tangent here about how counseling is so taboo, but I'm going to save my audience from the ranting and the raving about therapy and just say that it is very nice to see our society turning towards individualism and the problems that come with searching for that. A few weeks into it I was absolutely amazed at what I learned about myself and my relationship with my husband. I've changed so many habits that were almost ritualistic that it's hard to believe I ever did them. Now, I'm kicking my self because I've come to the hard stuff, the stuff people push away and never speak about.
While going through all of this, I wonder how many people I share this with, how many people have things that they never talk about again after it happens. I think about how many people I come across every day, how many women I look in the eye and ask "Hey, how are you?" and we all respond with "Good. How are you?" I now look at people wondering what they are really struggling with that day, how their lives have been before the moment I see them, and where they really want to be. It also makes me think about how we humans do not trust and are so scared to take a risk. It's allowed me to look at the dynamic of how people become friends with each other. For myself, it's taking a risk by sharing something intimate with someone I think I like and I think I get a long with, hoping to create a foundation for a solid friendship.For others its about sharing something they have in common, sometimes as shallow as what status they are in society to having children to seeing how many people they actually know.
During this journey, I have also learned something very important. I do not have to be perfect. Because of my experiences I've always strived to be perfect and to be what society and some other unnamed people deem successful. I've tripped along the stones in life's path a few times; hell, I've fallen flat on my face more than once. I'm a stubborn one though and will pick myself up, brush myself off and keep on walking because I do have the hunger for life. It took me about 25 years of my life to make a drastic change and to live for myself. That is a different story for another day, how I came to that point.
Today, this article is about admitting to not being good...breaking that barrier of "I'm good, how are you?" People don't share that they are not doing well out of fear of being judged and out of everyone finding out their problems. What I think is amazing is that we all struggle; all of us have our own demons, yet we hide them and put on that everyday mask to hide from those issues out of fear. Facing your demons is not easy work, it's hard and it sucks. I'm not asking people to just share their feelings with everyone. I think it's important to have healthy boundaries for yourself and walking around sharing your issues with everyone is not a good practice. It creates vulnerability and vulnerable people get hurt very quickly. All I'm sharing is the realization of it being ok to be intimate with someone and to share with them that you're not doing ok. Being intimate doesn't mean to have sex with someone but to share something personal about yourself to someone you trust.
If you see me tomorrow or in a week or two, I'll tell you, "I've had better days." Because lately, I have not been fine. Yep, I said it, I am not good right now. Nope, I'm not "fine", I'm not "ok", and I'm definitely not "alright". I'm struggling with some very hard, intimate things about myself right now that has nothing to do with my husband or my children, just me. I promise you I won't give you this long, drawn out story about what I'm going through so you're not burdened with it. To heal and to meet my goals of helping people, it's a neccesity to face the ugly.
So if you're struggling, if you're hurting, if you're having a bad day, own it, tell someone you trust. Take a risk, ask for a hug, grab a hand, take a bath, do something for yourself because more than likely, you need it.
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