The Ugliness of Emotional Manipulation

Ever have a relationship with someone where you feel like you can't win? They always have this need to be right.

You may have a headache and they all of a sudden have a brain tumor?

I'm talking about all kinds of relationships, marriages, friendships, parental, and child relationships are all included.

For some reason this seems to be a common theme in my life in the last few months and the ugliness of it astounds me.

Most emotional manipulators start out with a grand story to "hook" you into their life and make you feel sorry for them. You may see them as caring, sensitive and vulnerable. These people are not vulnerable, there is always going to be some type of crisis or situation they have to overcome.

They also are very unaware of their own faults and have a keen sense of other people's faults. Once you've been "hooked" into their lives, how dare you not give them what they need? The idea of them providing emotional needs for themselves is foreign and when suggested often shut down by a change in the subject or a swift move to another sob story about how someone else has victimized them in their lives.

Dealing with somebody who uses the vulnerability card as these people do is a mind blowing risk. You know if you play in to it you get nowhere and if you step out of it, the anger card comes out with no responsibility being shown for their actions at all. Sometimes the anger card can be just a manipulating move within itself, like the silent treatment.

The emotional manipulator pulls everyone they know into their stories and will lie so smoothly, you almost question whether or not it is a lie. They often deny their lies and get angry when confronted about it they will lash back with statements of "People that lie make me sick. I'd never do that." Meanwhile, they continue to badger, hurt, and pound on the vulnerable and weak that will tolerate the manipulation for the excuse of "love".

People often wonder why and how people become emotional manipulators. Most of it is because of their history, the baggage they carry from their pasts, and the baggage they bring into new relationships. Poor coping skills, poor self esteem, codependency, and survival because of abusive relationships are all factors that could play into why people become emotional manipulators. It may be all they know to do.

It's been a long time sense I've been a part of this type of relationship. Once the realization came that I was in it, even as a counselor I realized there are no quick "fixes" for these people. A lot of them do not ever see who they truly are and how they hurt people. I deal with manipulators on a daily basis because of one of my roles as a substance abuse counselor. I am aware of what they "need" to do but just like with any type of behavior, all the knowledge in the world will not change a person. They must do the work themselves. It requires a lot of awareness, self searching, and behavior change on their part.

What about yourself? Do you tolerate this type of manipulation? What if it's a parent that is the emotional manipulator and the idea of cutting off the relationship is not an option? I can not change a person. I can only change how I react and respond to the emotional manipulator. For myself, that requires looking inward and asking myself "How do I get involved in this type of relationship?" "Where are the boundaries?" Usually that brings up some unresolved guilt and shame that I have along with the element of fear....one that emotional manipulators prey on the most and will throw back at you as you try to address the issue with them in a rational manner.

It's best to set the boundaries when you recognize you're in a relationship with an emotional manipulator.

Shut the person down when you know their lying.

Call them out on what they may be denying. 

Get off the phone or change the subject when you notice the manipulation starting.

Most of all take care of yourself, be true to yourself, and know that sometimes loving yourself means doing the hard things and making some changes. The uncomfortableness that may come with you taking steps to make these changes are growth and that is what we were born to do....evolve.

                                           

The woes of being a woman

Being a woman sometimes just flat out SUCKS! Yesterday was an awesome day. At five months pregnant, I fit the mold they talk about in those pregnancy books...exuding loads of energy, glowing, and happy. I got so much accomplished yesterday, was a joy to be around, and absolutely adored every aspect of my life.

Today....YEAH, I woke up extremely exhausted, irritated at EVERYTHING, and so very EMOTIONAL. Usually, our kids on our days off of work and school will come in and cuddle with us before we get up and today, I did not want to be touched. My sweet son that normally crawls up in the bed from the bottom first irritated me to the point to where I wanted to yell "PLEASE STOP MOVING!"

I seriously contemplated staying in bed and probably should have and hid from the world but I convinced myself to get up and make breakfast and get the kids dressed for our day. I internally swallowed the upset of having to make three things for breakfast knowing full and well that I put it all on myself and normally enjoyed doing this.

Later in the morning, our daughter had done something she wasn't supposed to and my husband corrected her and I started bawling...I have no idea why I did and when he asked me what was going on, I could only stammer "I don't know. I really don't know."

The day was supposed to be a fun day of football, lounging around with the kids and taking it easy to get ready for the week ahead. The football game started and everything finally started to even out a little. I think it helped that my Gamecocks were winning the game against Nebraska, a team I despise....I may have thrown all of my evil thoughts into that game, maybe.I downed two cups of coffee, internalized my smart ass remarks and tried my best to enjoy the football game, our company and our children. I made sure to involve myself in topics of discussion that were fun and to avoid any type of emotional conversations. I would have been a complete wreck had my husband decided to have a difficult conversation or one of my children were having an emotional day. It would have taken EVERY FIBER of my being not to say something emotional and irrational today.

I lucked out! Neither of those happened and the day ended in an almost success...almost because my husband and I did get into an argument...nothing that wasn't typical. I'm assuming the emotional hormone roller coaster stemmed because I made the contents of my future son's brain today or because I was sucking all the estrogen out of him. Regardless, the woes of being a woman have allowed me to practice handling the raging, emotional hormone b*tch that is inside of me. The pregnant one makes the PMS one look like a sweet little kitten. The ones that just sit there and play and are nothing but cuddly and cute.

These are the days I long to be a guy. From what I've seen, guys just fight it out and the problem is solved...that's it, end of story!  I hate having to deal with emotions especially the hard ones. I have learned that embracing them and comforting ourselves is a helluva lot easier than demanding understanding from others or expecting people to provide the comfort only we can give ourselves. When I'm like this, I just let myself know it's okay to have the emotion, ask myself why they are so prominent today and if it's just hormones, I put out that warning to my loved ones and keep reminding myself  "The raging b*tch (P)amela (M)ichelle (S)ilverstine is BAAAAACK!" (Yes, my hormone b*tch has her own name and alter ego). Of course the chocolate,  whining to great girlfriends, my mom, and a well trained husband help too.

A New Version of New Year's Eve

Every New Year's Eve I have gone out to some bar or club and had a few drinks and celebrated with the guy on my arm at the time. For the last seven years, it's been with my husband, well except for the two years we were separated while he was in Korea.

When Jeff and I were pregnant with our first two children, we still went out and did the typical, hung out at a bar, he had a few drinks and I sat across from him desperately trying to have a good time but was envious that I couldn't have a drink.

This year, we started out doing the typical...the in laws had the kids for the night, we went to our favorite restaurant and afterwards Jeff pops out the typical question "What do you want to do now?" See, when I'm pregnant, it's such a foreign concept for him that if I make any uncomfortable sound or move, the man believes he needs to put me in bed and keep me there so nothing happens. I swear if he could, he would....so would my mom. I'm such an independent girl I'll motor through some uncomfortable painful thing to get done what needs to be done because sitting on your ass is for the dead in my book. I have slowly learned how to take care of myself but I have to put it in a calendar like it's an appointment and force myself to do it half the time. So him asking this question was him trying to do and make me as comfortable as he could.

So after he pops the question, I think to myself  "What would be awesome?" In my pregnant state, this brownie the size of Mount Everest pops in my head topped with ice cream and chocolate. So out came "OOOOO, lets go get dessert!" Jeff laughs and says "Ok, my pregnant lady, lets go get dessert." So out we go into the car vehicle on our way to find some dessert. We have no idea where we're going, so we start down the road towards home and end up at Desert Ridge, an outdoor shopping mall with SO many lovely places to make any girl happy. We end up having dessert at Mimi's and what is so funny, that big ole brownie that popped into my head turned into an apple crisp, my husband's favorite, well because I'm pregnant apparently with the spitting image of my husband. I'm eating everything HE likes. I'm a pretty healthy person when it comes to meals but just the other day I ordered a salad and literally could only choke down a couple of bites before hitting the gag reflex....amazing what pregnancy does. Thank GOD for prenatal vitamins!

We make one more stop before heading home to continue our laughing and joking around that's gone on all night. That's the beauty of being married to him; I know 9 times out of 10, any time we go out we're gonna have a BALL! We hop into bed after hanging out in the kitchen for an hour telling each other funny things that popped in our heads...I'm sparing the details because they are not appropriate ;) and turn on Dick Clark's New Year's Eve Party and we both realize we miss the kids terribly.

All night the kids have popped up in our conversation; we're having a good time and know that it's been a while that we've gone out with each other but each of us had an idea of what tonight was gonna be and it included our children. I wanted to keep the kids up till midnight and light fireworks with them. Jeff would have been happy just hanging out with them and doing what he does best, turns into a kid right with them.

Next year, we're starting a new tradition...the family tradition. The idea of going out, drinking with the guy on my arm sounds fun but I've done that. I'm looking forward to celebrating with our FAMILY, all of it!

GOALS of 2012

So I'm one of those people that don't ever fulfill my New Year's Resolutions. I might make one or two and just like your typical person, I do well for the first quarter of the year and then life gets to busy or I make unrealistic goals that I can never fulfill in a year.

I had the opportunity to learn a new method of creating goals in class one night and wanted to share it! This is what I plan on doing from here out until I come up with something else.

This exercise is only an excerpt of a life planning and career exercise for those that are struggling with career and life changes. The first part of it is to list one goal in each of the following areas: health, career, leisure, spirituality, and relationships. Below are mine for 2012.

HEALTH: Have our third child and begin to lose the baby weight.

CAREER: Graduate with honors with the dual Master's and obtain approval from the licensing boards to practice counseling.

LEISURE: READ A BOOK THAT IS NOT A TEXT BOOK!!!

SPIRITUALITY: Meditate 5 days out of the week.

RELATIONSHIPS:  Nurture my neglected friendships.

Ok, so after you've written down the goals, pick ONE and create an action plan to make the goal happen. For myself, I need an action plan for the relationships goal. I also seriously need the social interaction that friends bring. Lately my relationships have been with text books, colleagues and family. I long for the ability to cut loose, be silly, and share life with someone my age. So here's the plan....

1. Write to my pen pal at least once a month. If I can get more in, YAY!
2. Set up play dates for my kids and the moms I know.
3. Invite a couple over once a month for dinner.
4. Do something nice for a friend once a month because the giving is what nourishs my heart.
5. Contact old friends and catch up!
6. If I sense a connection with someone new, reach out to them.

I'm sure I'll come up with some others but that's a good start. Now, the new year's resolutions don't seem so overwhelming.

The next part of the exercise is a meditation exercise. The idea is to close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and find that place that is calm. For some of us it takes a few minutes to shut off the thoughts in our brains...the ones that consist of what you have to do in an hour, a week, a year, how you're feeling about something, etc.

Now, think of a day 3 years from now that is the PERFECT day. Don't put any stipulations into the exercise. Allow yourself to be free of all the obligations you put on yourself and imagine if you could have the most perfect day. If the three years puts restrictions on you, take it out. Imagine where you would wake up. What is around you? Where are you? Who are you with? Feel your feet hit the floor as you get up from the bed and start your morning routine. What are you having for breakfast? Are you at a restaurant? You're eating your most favorite food; you're with your most favorite company, you're surrounded by what is perfect to you. Imagine the rest of your day in this manner...leading yourself into the afternoon, the evening and into your bed.

What does your perfect day consist of? What is that something that you love that you are not putting into daily practice? What are you longing for.

After reflecting on your perfect day, pick one thing about it and make a commitment to do it for yourself. This is how we create what brings joy to us in our lives. I found that sharing your experience with someone is helpful and can make you accountable for it. This is something Jeff and I done together and help each other by making sure we do our task that we picked.

For myself, I woke up in a charming little house on the beach. I could hear the waves, see the ocean and smell the salt in the air. The bedroom was wide open with french doors and windows that made the bedroom transparent. The bed I was in was filled with my children and my husband and I got up before them, giving them each a kiss, close enough to smell them because I adore how all three of them smell. I looked out across from me and there sat my beloved white desk with paper and pen and a Ken Follet book. I got up and went to the desk...somehow coffee had magically appeared and I got the urge to walk so I took my coffee cup and did something I haven't done since 2001 in Pensacola, Florida. I sat on that beach and looked out in the ocean soaking up what the ocean does for me.

My goal this year is to do just that....take my three (now four loves) to a beach and while they are peacefully sleeping, go out and sit on that beach with coffee cup in hand.

That's IT! Two goals for 2012....

Nurture my friendships and take a trip to the beach!

Lessons of 2011

I haven't visited my blog in quite some time but for me it has been like that precious thing in a box tucked away...one of those things you think about all the time and long to do but keep putting on the back burner, well, because of life.

Here I am again, (YAY!) with a list of things to write about as 2011 comes to a close. 2011 was a year that was full of lessons learned ,not by the thousands of dollars I paid to get several degrees, but by life experiences. I truly believe life experiences is where the basis of our knowledge stems from.

In the first half of the year, I learned what unconditional love through being reunited with my mom after being separated for 25 years. This of course is on the list to write about. :).  The experience and the lesson has brought peace and serenity into my life that is indescribable with words.

I also learned how to take care of myself, how to love myself, all of me, my flaws included. Learning to do this carries on through the people I come into contact with. A dear friend of mine once told me "There's no reason to reach out to teach people the "love" concept. Just live, Amanda, just be and it'll exude from you." It definitely does from her...she's like a BIG, TALL SUNFLOWER, waving in the wind.

Our lives can be filled with responsibility, obligations and the desire to fulfill all of those obligations before taking care of ourselves but I have chosen to take care of myself first. I see in my children and in my husband how important that is. I'm sure my friends are not very happy because I've done a really good job of neglecting them with this but I'll get to that in another blog.

In November, I had another life changing event that was the complete opposite, one that ripped my own security from me and left me hanging in the wind lost, desolate and confused. It was an experience that I had experienced before but this time I saw it with more clarity. The ugliness and the pain from this experience taught me how to use what I have learned through life to embrace the emotions that came with it and that healing through painful experiences is a process. There's never a quick fix and the way that life rolls, we can't always experience sunshine and roses.

I feel lucky to have gone through this year and to have experienced the roller coaster of life as it comes and am looking forward to 2012. I am excited about what I know is coming and even more so about what I don't know, good or bad. I feel STRONG this year and can't wait to share....just LIFE.

Sisterly Love

The other day, my little girl did something so sweet, it made both Jeff and I tear up. Zach's birthday was May 2nd, so Jessica watched her big brother get a birthday cake, open presents and have the light shine on him for a minute. Every so often, she would pipe in with her plans for her birthday, describing a kitty birthday cake, who SHE wanted to invite to her party and what presents she wanted. Jeff and I both thought this all was very typical for a sister and was really surprised that she didn't get upset at the fact that the attention wasn't on her. She has her little ways of showing us what is going on in that innocent head of hers.

Jessica's favorite song has always been Happy Birthday. At bedtime, we have a ritual where we sing at the most three songs. When she was little, it was the only way I could get her to sleep. Jeff had other ways, like having to take her for a ride in the car, holding her and walking around until she fell asleep, letting her cry it out. I swear that man almost lost his mind over trying to put her down. I've always been a little more gentle, singing, sleeping, petting her hair, things that would soothe me. So, "Happy Birthday" is where we would start and we'd end up singing "Rock A Bye Baby", "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", and the endless list of lullabies.

Just recently, she's gotten to the point to where she'll sing the songs with me and after we leave from giving her kisses and hugs goodnight, she continues to sing. It was surprising and so very sweet to hear her take the lead and sing those wonderful songs.

So the day after Zach's birthday, Jeff, Zach and Jessie were playing in the playroom, each doing their own thing. My boys love video games, so I'm sure Jeff was playing on his phone and Zach was playing Mario Cart on his Nintendo DS. Jessica was playing with her dolls in her doll house. I was at work or school and missed the moment but can not get it out of my head. Jeff told me that all of a sudden Jessica took the table, a single chair and the birthday cake in her doll house and put it right next to Zachery. She whispered his name and he answered her with "Yeah?". She sang "Happy Birthday" to him all the way through and even said "dear Zachery" at the end. Jeff ended up leaving the scene up for me so I can see it when I got home.

Jess and Zach have always been really close, but usually Zach is the sweetheart. This time Jessie surprised us and showed us how beautiful she really is. Life through a child's eyes is absolutely precious and OH MAN am I so very glad to be a witness to it!

Rolling with the punches of life

My last blog post was about New Year's Resolutions. I've actually shied away from my blog wondering how to answer myself and everyone around me about my March 4, 2011 date of losing 20 pounds. Well, it's May 7th and I still haven't lost 20 pounds. I've lost 5. Wow! Is it May already? I've also changed my resolutions and created new goals for myself. It got me to thinking about resolutions and how superficial they can be or a test of control to see what you're really capable of putting yourself through to accomplish your goals. I don't think that's healthy,by the way...that test of control.

My goals of losing weight and running a marathon, a full one at that, are important to me. However, life is not predictable and sometimes life just flat out gets in the way. I was extremely lucky to have my mom, who I have not been in contact with in 25 years, message me one day out of the blue in February. She wanted to get to know me and start a relationship. That in itself is a show stopper, a one in a lifetime moment, an Oprah show right in my own world. Being the kind of girl I am, anxiety plagues me and unhealthy habits come with that anxiety so the weight stayed on in February. When I had the honor of having my mom with me for a week (later turning into 10 days) running, eating salads, and drinking water was NOT at the top of the priority list. I had to show Mom how wonderful the Arizona cuisine is, and we're both in love with Coke like it's going out of style and two women on an anxiety train equals a party with chocolate at least every night!

This year I also have been preparing to start an internship which means the hubby becomes Mr. Mom (a fantastic one at that) half the day for four days a week, my children lose their mom, and healthy eating goes out the window. It takes A LOT of planning to eat healthy while on the go so much and to do it without eating out and not spending an arm and a leg. Working 20 hours a week, school, being a mom and being a wife doesn't leave much time for a "me" thing. I could be very selfish and train for a full marathon but I wouldn't see my kids much and my poor husband would seriously turn into a woman for all the hours he'd have to watch the kids and I, nor his mom, would really appreciate that.

Oh, and then there are the injuries of my dear sport of running. After I ran a half marathon in March I cut back on my running and cutting back means starting over again. So after a few weeks, I geared up  and started again because I hadn't lost any weight. How discouraging. You train your ass off for this huge accomplishment, you would at least expect to lose some weight but not I. Diet is a huge part for me when it comes to weight loss and I figured that out the hard way. So training for a 5K, I thought I was dealing with shin splints. So I ran the first 5K. I did ok with time, not fast and not slow but I was ready for the next race in May. This was the race I was gonna shave off some minutes off of my pace. One morning, I ran to the gym, hopped on the treadmill and started doing some hill work. 45 minutes into it, POP! Blinding pain!!!! I couldn't even place my foot down on the treadmill. Not sure what the diagnosis is yet, will find out on Monday, but the ER doc believes I have torn a tendon. If that's the case no running for this girl for at least 4 weeks. Not cool. I got angry, sad, disappointed, all the emotions that runs through your head when something gets taken away from you. It took me back to my bad habits of not giving a shit on how I ate and pretty much sulking for a week.

Change does something to us. For a lot of us, it's uncomfortable and fearful. Fear can be paralyzing for some people. For me, change isn't difficult; I just don't like it. I used to fear it and fear used to grab a hold of me and put me in a very miserable place. With a little bit of head training though, fear is now just an emotion just like being bored is. You recognize it, talk to yourself about it, making sure to throw some love in there, and move on. I get uncomfortable and unsure of how to create balance in my life when a wrench is thrown into what my normal routine is; even if it is a happy change, like getting to know my mom. I've been a control freak for so long that letting go of what seems perfect is a challenge for me. I let go of my healthy eating habits and my exercise beause my bad habits are so much more fun when anxiety, fear and change come a long. I can only stand that unhealthy business for about a week or two and then I gotta get back to being healthy in my body, my mind and my spirit because healthy in all three of those aspects create pure joy for me.

So, I'm on the hunt for some upper body exercises to keep my core and upper body strong while this leg heals. My relationship with my mom is untouchable and something I crave on a daily basis and working is going really well. Treading the waters of life is what the journey is all about. The attitude and behavior I choose to exude while I'm around others and in my own head is nothing but a choice. I'm not upset about not making my goals of losing weight by March 4, 2011. I'm not upset that I will not be running a marathon this year. My life got in my way and taught me a few lessons. Goals are awesome but time is just a variable that should always be fluid; being hard on yourself only makes YOUR life miserable, and if you just sit back, enjoy the ride of life, your goals will happen, just in their own time.

The goal of 20 pounds is still there. Will it happen this year, I don't know, I sure hope so and am working at it. I will not be running a full marathon but I may run a half depending on how life is. Too much chaos and too much control is not a healthy thing for me. We'll see what happens. :)